My Purpose

Things people always, (but should never), do on Facebook

2011-10-17T09:18:00.000-07:00

Well, you can do these things, but you make it really hard for me not to insert a comment that may make you cry, or do the inevitable, and delete me from your friend's list. Why do I even keep you as a friend? Well, honestly I keep you to make myself feel better. You're someone I've actually met who does and say stupid, stupid things; or you have friends that have absolutely no privacy settings so I can totally creep, point, and laugh at this person! I'm sure most of you keep me as a friend because I make you so angry that you can't help but keep me because I'm like that old lady with the big butt who wears tight pants so you can see the outline of her granny panties accompanied by the camel's toe, and you can't stop looking and you wonder if this person is aware of the prominent underwear line and by doing so you stare harder only hoping it will go away; but instead, the lady will mistaken your constant staring for that sexual attention she so pleases. Yeah, keeping friends you don't like on Facebook is EXACTLY like staring at the ugly, old lady who wears tight pants.

Ironically, one of the first rules of 'Grace Yam Facebook Laws', is to never complain about stupid things your friends do on Facebook as your status. I am very, very guilty of this; however, on the flip side, if you're guilty of these complaints then don't "like" the status. What does that even mean? Does it mean you've acknowledged that you're a douche? Do you think by "liking" said status you've cancelled all wrong doing? I think, most likely, you're oblivious, delusional, and/or in denial. For example:

Grace Yam: Stop showing pictures of yourself licking your ass, you douche.

*Douchebag Ass licker likes this*

Another popular status update that everyone does is to ask if anyone's interested in doing something with them. Only two things result from this:

1. No one answers and you look stupid

2. Someone you don't like answers and you have to come up with a lame excuse like,"Someone hacked into my account and instead of saying that I was a taint licker, asked if I wanted some company going on a hike in the middle of winter".

Sometimes I read really funny status updates;however, it's unfortunate that my friends have really stupid friends who don't understand the joke of the status so they go and ruin it with a ditzy comment followed by an emoticon such as, ;p. The wink with a tongue is annoying. I don't get it. 8====o to your face!

Funny friend: Bears look like dogs with down syndrome

Stupid friend: Bears and dogs are different animals and they don't get down syndrome I know, because I graduated from "I'm now 25 000 in debt for a degree I will never use :P".

The stupid (:P) confuses me. Does it mean the person was just joking about their being stupidly serious? And it's always the chick with the "head tilt-up close" picture who likes to state the obvious and has never been exposed to sarcasm what so ever. Then somehow the whole debate turns religious or sexist.

There are the obvious Facebook annoyances like taking a billion pictures of yourself, and updating your status every three minutes. I admit I have updated my status more than three times a day and when I lost a fair amount of weight I took pictures of myself; however, I once again feel crappy about the way I look and I hate having my picture taken. But there is one thing I don't understand and that is people who take pictures of pointless, boring food. I'm a chef and I appreciate pretty plates. I love what my fellow chef friends' posts OR even if it's something you made yourself. That's cool, because I encourage everyone to cook for themselves; however, if you're taking pictures of a donut from Tim Hortons there is something really, really wrong with you. Plus, if you have an album of boring, generic food with a picture of overdone steak with the words "yum" underneath it then you deserve to read this and realize you're the one I'm talking about, and I hope your feelings get hurt or something really bad happens to you but not so bad that you get physically hurt because that's just mean.

Skinny people should never inform the rest of the fat population that they're at the gym "sweatin' it out". Actually, skinny people who want to be told they're not fat should never inform their friends that they're at the gym. We know you're at the gym or in a washroom puking somewhere. We already understand you like the look of ribcage. We get that the rest of us are fat. On the other hand, what does one say to a fat person's status update that says, "I feel fat and ugly today"? Admit, we all want to like the status...except for the chick who also seeks compliments so they answer with, "Babe, you're beautiful. Don't let anyone say otherwise". This conversation should stop right there but NO, it'll probably continue to be one, long, lesbionic vagina nosing.

-"Thanks, hun you're so pretty too and on the inside!"

-"Let's go get drunk and go out so we can screw dudes we don't even know just to make ourselves feel better for half the night in hopes to create a long, lasting relationship with someone who will be too drunk to notice how ugly I really am in the night"

-"And then to make ourselves feel better we'll tell ourselves that we're just empowered women, only to eat ourselves into, yet, another depression.

Just incase oblivious, stupid friend reads this, these conversations didn't really happen on Facebook. But the symbology is there. I know, I assume things and in my head it seems right.

Okay, so onto another Facebook no-no, motivational quotations that no one but the poster him/herself should read.:

"Follow life like a flower and take it one petal at a time" --seriously? Yeah, I just made it up but how fucking stupid is that?

There are a lot quotes like that one or ones that make fun of exes. Guess what? You were someone's ex at one point so you're the "left over" the "poop" that people smear on walls too! Most of these people fall victim to the "copy and paste" status'; along with the "spam all your friends or you'll be cursed with bad luck for the rest of your life" type shit. Sometimes I read corny quote after corny quote and I have to wonder if this person is okay. I think it may be a warning sign and someone who gives a bigger crap about them should do something. Hey, I think I'm onto something, the new psychology of Facebook!

Friends are like apples, you need a strong core for it to start--aka, I'm fucking going to shoot myself in the saggy vagina if someone doesn't come pay attention to me.

These are the same type of people who post pictures of hot chicks instead of a picture of themselves. What, are you reminding all the dudes that this is someone you'll never look like but you got them horny enough to call you at 3am for a paper bag booty call? Was that mean? Yeah.

Lastly, until I think of more things to say, people have to stop posting things about hockey, old pictures of the fucking royal wedding, and rap artists who need to use auto tune! They're not even singing why do they need that shit? Alright, perhaps the hockey and royal wedding was something I should have wrote about last year, but I was too lazy to blog. However, I still see people who have pictures of Kate and William on their profile pictures. What have they done that is so significant other than William being squeezed out of some royal box.

If you stay my friend after reading this, yet you're guilty of these things, then you're really my friend. I'll probably send you a message stating that you have full, Grace Yam immunity. If not, then I forgot. Sorry?

Cookers Vs. Hookers

2011-04-15T21:07:00.000-07:00

There isn't a huge difference between cooking and hooking; however, there are slight variances. Here is the scientific proof by yours truly. Let's compare scripts shall we?

Cooker: So, what would you like?

Hooker: So, what would you like?

Cooker: Can I toss that salad for you?

Hooker: Can I toss that salad for you?

Cooker: Would you like me to heat up your meat?

Hooker: Would you like me to heat up your meat?

Cooker: After I heat your meat, you're going to put it in your mouth.

Hooker: After I heat your meat, you're going to put it in my mouth.

Cooker: You're going to eat until you finish.

Hooker: I am going to eat until you finish.

*cooker gets a little bit of money

*hooker gets a lot of money

In the end the hooker wins, which means everyone should become hookers.

Lots of "whys" and not a whole lot of answers

2011-03-25T23:47:00.001-07:00

I don't even know how to type anymore. I feel like I've lost all of my funny. Well, there is a good reason for that, and that's SHIT. Yeah, a lot of shit has been happening or has happened, not only to me, but to people around me. All this shit has got me thinking about WHY things happen and WHY people act a certain way. This is NOT aimed at anyone in particular...perhaps mostly to my subconscious. I am in denial most of the time, it's fun!

First of all, chicks. Oh, you know the demons I face being a chick and hating most chicks' actions, right? Well, now you do. Most chicks hate other chicks for no reason. Well, there are reasons; such as, jealousy, insecurity, egoism (not sure if that was a word until I realized there was no squiggly red line under it), and psycho bitch syndrome. "Psycho bitch syndrome" is closely related to the "no reason at all" theorem that I came up with. Psycho bitches hate chicks with good attitudes. They cannot fathom the idea of another chick not expressing any sort of psycho bitchism. I don't hate chicks. I just hate being around chicks. I am not talking about chicks who I already hang out with, I hang out with them for a reason and that is, they're almost as dickish asI am. I choose to believe I have the whole insecurity reason, just because chicks sure do like to judge! Fuck, I judge. I judge the fuck out of everyone, including myself that would explain my lack of ability to brag about things. Seriously though, chicks need to lay off the two-faced psycho bitch syndrome, which is a step up from just regular psycho bitch syndrome. As you can tell, I am a trained professional and I know what I'm talking about. I'll judge the crap out of you if don't agree. I like how girls make an effort on complimenting other chicks even when they don't mean it. I hardly compliment anyone because, I just don't notice pretty, shiny things. I really don't. I'm not a bitch about it, I just don't care about that stuff. LOOK AT ME, I don't even brush my hair and I cut it myself. Dudes, on the other hand, don't judge as harshly. Well, they judge, but differently. Less nagging, more cleaning, and you're IN with the dudes! Unfortunately, there are chicks who are aware of this disease so they try REALLY fucking hard to not be psycho that it backfires. They want to dudes' friends, but once you put a dick near their mouths, they freak out. Most of those chicks are guilty of telling me they LOVE my blog/humour, but really can't stand me and think I'm really fucked up. The thing is, they have a legitimate point. I'm SCREWED in the EFFING HEAD, people!

Which brings me to my other point: playing the victim is really easy in the beginning, but gets really irritating very quickly. It's out right annoying, is what THAT is. I can tell you all the sad and heartbreaking moments of my life, but what the hell would that do? Nothing, it's all been done. I can't explain why bad things happen to good people, all I know is there is a reason for those things to happen, and one of them is NOT to annoy people around by dwelling on the past. You know what I suffer from? The opposite of being the victim. I have no idea what that is called, but I always feel like everything is my fault. I hate complaining about anything. No, this is not a free pass for you stupid people out there to use the "I feel guilty for feeling bad" victim card. You're still playing the same card, but you're being super manipulative as well...I know...I've played it. Okay, okay, I'm not saying it's NOT okay to feel sorry for yourself FOR A WHILE, but it gets boring. Things happen so history won't repeat itself to YOU or to OTHERS. If you're in a constant state of "meh meh meh...WAH WAH WAH" then what? Your tears are salty, it can't be good for your face.

Now, if people can just get out of the state of stupidity by being a little less selfish, being aware of what and who is around you, being a little more considerate, then PERHAPS our world can change drastically. However, I don't think that'll ever happen. That would just make too much sense in this stupid world. Let's ALL feel sorry for Earth and complain about the people who inhabit it ALL DAY LONG. Remember one thing, what goes around doesn't necessarily come around, that's why there are so many evil people who are rich and successful, and most importantly, happy. That's just the way our world works. The only way to fix it is to throat punch them.

I washed my own brain...all by myself!

2010-10-29T20:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Everyone,

You suck! I'm just kidding. Okay, so most of you who don't know me will be very confused with this latest note. I'm choosing to take a break from my nonsensical, awkward opinions to let you into my personal life. So, about eight months ago I met a boy. People around me have only recently learned about his boy. Not just any "boy", but a fantastic, talented, intelligent man. As cynical as I am, it is easily assumed that I might be brain washed into loving someone. No, I did it all by myself. My inability to express my feelings and my wanting to hide my personal life has backfired...in the sense that I was once *this person* and now all of sudden I am person with a huge heart living with my significant other. It's easy to see as a third party, that my boyfriend forced me to fall in love with him, forced me to live with him, and then forced me to even write this note. He has no idea I'm writing this, by the way. Okay, so a little background information about myself...

If you've read my previous notes and/or book, you'll know that I hated everything that dealt with the idea of love, or soul mates, or mushy feelings on the inside. I vouched for friends (enemies) with benefits, one night stands, and believed that true love was for suckers. I still believe in all of these things; however, I now think those actions have an expiry date. I have a whole new perspective on what most people think what love is. Perhaps, I am blinded, or gitty like a school girl without a brain, but I'm actually okay with that because, I can say, as hard as it was to be with my man, I am for once, really happy.

Anyway, blah blah blah...as you are most likely able to tell, it's a bit shocking that when I came back from working away from Vancouver for four months that I come back with a dude...and that I'm living with this dude. Towards my family, I'm a very secretive person. They don't know much about my personal life. I really wanted to tell them that I met a super cool dude, but as superstitious I am, I didn't want to jinx it. Plus, to get to where we're at was a difficult road that I will NOT be writing about, because I don't feel like it? Yeah, that's just leave it at that. I take that our trials and tribulations as a sign that all that hard work would lead to an awesomely "easy" relationship. I know, I know, not everything is easy. Well, the whole point to this note was for me to let everyone know I wasn't placed on any medication, nor was I forced to stare a swirly umbrella thing with weird music and subliminal messages playing in the background. All I did was walk into a room and I looked at the first thing that attracted me...then after I made out with the pork belly I was introduced to two, sexy green eyes that was attached to everything else that was sexy. As terrible I am at flirting, I shied away from inappropriate crazy eye winks and air thrusting. I was just glad that I had his friendship before I got drunk enough to be the innocent, vulnerable bystander.

Well, on kind of the same note, this relationship is far from easy and it is trying at times. I just know that the time we do have together isn't spent wanting to kill each other. In fact, we're that couple everyone wants to kill. The only difficult part of our relationship was the "getting there." It was hard for us to be together, and whoever wants to keep us apart (hypothetically speaking), should know that it makes our time together that much strong and cornier with hearts and stuff spewed all over the place. All I know is that it was a lot easier for me to judge before I knew what love was. It was easy for me to look at an affectionate couple and say, "I bet they won't last a week", then laugh profusely. It was easy, because I was bitter. Now, all I want is for people to find their other half. It really makes all the difference in the world to find someone worth living for. I'm still bitter, but I'm now I'm bitter and happy. It's kind of rare to be with someone who doesn't annoy me, but just impresses me every day, and who gets more attractive by the minute. No, I'm not wanting you to barf, but if you must then I'm sorry? I'm pretty sure one day you'll meet someone, and then re-read this and nod your head in agreement. I really hope that this happens to you...all of you, and not just your forehead because that would be weird. Those who suffered broken hearts just have to wait, because who ever broke your heart just gave it another chance to find the real one...someone you can tolerate, someone you can be yourself with, someone who can destroy that elephant in the room. Aw, poor figurative elephant.

I know this note is WAY out of the norm for me. I apologize to all the PDA haters out there. I totally feel for you, because I was with you eight months ago. I can't predict the future, but whatever happens, I don't regret anything that had led me up to this point. Besides, this whole 2012 conspiracy theory doesn't seem so much of a conspiracy anymore...dun dun dun! I'm just glad that I've actually experienced corny love before the world goes BOOM.

Pussy in sexy boots...

2010-10-16T22:23:00.001-07:00

....which is pretty much the end to the ever popular story of "Puss in Boots". Or is it? No one actually remembers the story of Puss in Boots, and if you are one of these people then SHHHH...you are not welcome here! Recently, I went on a trip to Seattle and somehow, Puss in Boots came up and I totally didn't know what that story was about. When I was a kid I had a big book of children's fairy tales and I always tended to skip Puss in Boots. Even back then I was bored with the image of a cat wearing boots. I was like, "Dude, where is the sexy princess who eventually loses her flower to a prince?" Oh, but there WAS a sexy princess in this story of Puss in Boots. She was just taking a backseat to all the shenanigans Puss in Boots was doing. What a clever cat, that Puss in Boots was. If they renamed the story "Dude looking to get Laid with the Help of a Kitty in Boots", then perhaps I would have read it...over and over again. So, for all of you who are not familiar with the story of "Puss in Boots" here it is in dumbed down Grace version.

Okay, so once upon a weird effing time where cats could talk and dudes looked like chicks, there lived a dude (who looked like a chick). Dude's name, well, wasn't Dick; but we'll call him Dick in this version because you'll never remember his real name. Alright, so Dick's dad died and left him with a talking cat. I mean, if I was given a talking cat I'd be like, "Aw man, my cat can effing talk!"

But no, Dick felt cheated because magical, talking cats just wasn't doing it for him. Instead, Dick wanted the opposite of dick. He wanted a real pussy, ironically. He complained to his cat that he was lonely, poor, and hungry. So instead of doing something, like getting off his ass and working, Dick turned to his cat for help and advice. Cat with Paws, (as he was called before his boots), asked Dick to make him a pair of boots.

"Dude, make me some boots".

"Okay".

"Now call me Puss in Boots".

"Okay, then what?"

"You'll see, Dick, you'll see MEOW!"

So it was now Puss in Boot's duty to find Dick a wife and get laid. Why? I don't know. Seems like Dick doesn't really deserve a chick. Anyway, Puss in Boots does a whole bunch of sneaky things to trick the King into thinking that Dick is super swell guy. Puss even eats an ogre...true effing story, man! I mean, it's true in the story. Continuing on, Puss tells the King that Dick is drowning so the King goes and "saves" Dick. Dick meets the King's daughter and they totally do it.

THE EFFING END!

Apparently, the boots had no purpose in this story. The cat could have done what he did perfectly fine without those damn boots. So the moral of the story is, if you lie and you're a cute, little cat you can con your way into anything. Also, if you're an ungrateful dude with a talking cat, your cat will do anything to make you happy; even commit murder just so you can get laid...by a princess with a stupid dad who somehow became Kind of a kingdom.

Dear Anonymous

2010-07-09T12:39:00.000-07:00

Some of you might have noticed that I disabled the commenting powers on my blog. Well, you see I've attracted a few "unfans" in real Grace life. I don't know how that corresponds with my fake blog Grace life, except for the whole "Grace" thing. Anyway, as much as I love having internet commenting wars, this case has been a little bit different. I will not go into details about my personal life (for now) out of respect for other people. I will disrespect people when the time is right, because I think I've caused enough damage as it is. I will; however, dedicate this blog to someone I don't even know; the douchebag who claims they are helping in a situation they've not even involved in.

Dear Annymous Commenter who chooses only to read the titles of my blog and not the actual content:

First of all, I'm glad you feel the need to butt into a situation that you have nothing to with. It's okay, I get it, your life is boring...not that it's a bad thing. I wish my life was boring right now. I guess I'm subconciously compensating for lost drama time during my fat teen/young adult years. You know, all I did was make wontons and dumplings during my weekends and ate them ALL. It's great that you're commenting on my blog and it's even greater that you're trying to insult me, someone you don't even know. I just hope that by doing so, you feel better as a person. I like to contribute to the boost of people's egos. It would be easy for me to call you nasty names and tell you that you're stupid; however, I don't know if you're REALLY stupid. That would be ignorant of me to assume that you're stupid. You could be a very, very intelligent person; heck, you could even be a very personable lady/man/hermaphrodite. On the other hand, that would also be another ignorant thought process. I'd like to stay neutral when it comes to forming opinions on people I don't know and I suggest you do the same.

So, yeah, I bet you think I'm a professional seductress who likes to steal men away from their wives while waving my vagina in public. I'm actually kind of flattered if anyone were to think that of me. I'm actually very awkward who spent most of my life being overweight and nerdy. I spend most of my time on the internet watching the latest fads on cooking....not reading articles on how to seduce taken men...contrary to your popular belief.

On a final note, anonymous commenter, I wish you all the best and hope you improve on your commenting capabilities. Insults only count if they actually work and make sense. I know, perhaps me taking things into their literal context makes it quite difficult for me to "get" your insults, but that's what passive agressive people do...we get literal.

I do have an email address that you can contact me with if you so wish. I don't really know what that would accomplish..except perhaps maybe it might give you the illusion that you DON'T have a nub for a penis; or if you are a chick, that your vagina is extra flappy and/or a gaping hole. Again, using derogatory terms is the easy way out and I expect YOU to do such things like that, you *insert no insult word here*. Oh right, and if you're wondering if "douchebag" is a bad word, it's not if you take it into the literal context. It could very well be a compliment.

Love,

I understand by disabling my comments makes me a pussy, but I'm okay with admitting that.

I'm too lazy to be a sexy chick

2010-05-09T10:33:00.000-07:00

I know, sexy is subjective...blah blah blah. Some people even think that having a really good personality and sense of humour is sexy, but let's get real here, people. I'm talking about sexy on a more physical level; the sexy that everyone in our society sees with their eyeballs. Sexy is all about the short skirts, the high heels, the make up, and the pushed up cleavage. Not only is it about those things, it's about carrying all of those things off very well; meaning you're going to have the right body, the right face, the right plastic surgeon. Then you're going to have to top it all off with a fancy wardrobe full of sexy things and such. It takes a lot of effort to being a sexy chick...I assume. I'm far too tired and lazy to even attempt in all of this sexiness. I think the rule is, for any chick to be sexy it's going to take them a really, really , really, uh, really long time to get ready. So, wouldn't that mean being called sexy is an insult? Yeah, that's my new rule I'm going to inflict on everyone. I am going to be just like that annoying Christian who is super annoying. Anyway, it doesn't really matter; believe what you want. Life is just a lot more interesting if you take my opinions into consideration.

Where was I? Oh right, sexy! Now, I've been out to clubs when a guy would come up to me and call me sexy. Okay, yeah he was drunk, yeah it was dark, and yeah, I made him say it while I had a piece of broken glass to his throat. Now that I think about it, if I was called sexy it would mean that I looked like it took me hours to get to ready, meaning that in my original state of "not sexy", I must have looked like absolute crap. So, no....SEXY is NOT a compliment. Sexy is high maintenance and fake nails. Fake nails do look sexy on some people though..and those people I think look sexy are also very cool. I know this whole new sexy philosophy by ME, is somewhat ridiculous. I'm really lazy when it comes to getting all dolled up. Just like making the bed, getting all "sexified" is counter productive. Why bother getting all sexy if you're going to sweat it off by the end of night?? And on another sightly related note, sexy chicks who wear high heels probably means they have funky looking feet.

What does all mean? I am jealous. Yeah, I am jealous that all of these chicks aren't lazy like I am. I want to be all sexy too, I just hate buying sexy related shit and waking up early to put my face on. I mean, yeah, I wear make-up and I go to the gym, but it took me 22 years to put black crap around my eyes, and 23 years to run for a half hour without dying. So, I do KIND of try, I just don't try hard enough. Maybe I should up the sexy by half by wearing one high heel on one foot and hiking up my skirt only one side. That would be sexy right? Tell me I'm sexy! Wait, no don't, that's insulting! I'm not sexy, you're sexy!

Oh, and dudes who say that all that sexy stuff isn't sexy, is a liar! Yeah, I've been told that having a personality is sexy...really? Seriously? NO! My wit doesn't turn any heads it only attracts fists towards my face.

So, I'm going to work harder on my maintenance and I'm going to giggle and do the high pitch scream thing as well. I only judge and belittle these people because, deep down, I want all of that in my life. ALL.

How NOT to Answer by Me, The Yam.

2010-04-21T15:55:00.000-07:00

So, now that I'm back to my unhealthy, vegetative state of seclusion; I'm finding more and more excuses not to go out and expose myself. Actually, I can do that by standing on the balcony with a robe and a raging boner.

Seems like everywhere I go, everyone feels the need to know about my relationship status. The last two cab drivers I've encountered have asked, "You have boyfriend, no?"
Family gatherings are another place where people feel the need to know if I'm getting laid. Yeah, they don't use those words exactly, but they're totally thinking it. How does one get out of these awkward situations?

Enter stranger and Grace

Stranger: Blah blah blah....so, are you seeing anyone?
Grace: Can you be more specific? I'm seeing YOU right now, aren't I? SO, yes, I am seeing ONE..and you just happen to be any...one

Stranger: So, are you single?
Grace: Well, there's only one of me. I'm not plural, if that's what you're asking.

Stranger: Do you have a boyfriend?
Grace: I hate how I can't eat cheese without getting a stomach ache
Stranger: You didn't answer my question
Grace: You didn't answer MY question
Stranger: You didn't ask me a question
Grace: Exactly

Then you have the dude who tries to be clever about the whole thing..

Stranger: I bet your boyfriend is really lucky
Grace: My dog is really lucky
Stranger: Is your dog your boyfriend?
Grace: My dog's a chick, so she's just my friend

Now, why don't I just give a straight answer? Well, depending on who I'm talking to I tend to think I should lie. But then lying sucks so I end up avoiding the actual answer. Let's say I tell the person I'm single (if at this point I'm not). This person will know someone I know who knows my hypothetical significant other and then he will be potentially pissed. But what my hypothetical boyfriend doesn't know, is that if I inform people of our so called relationship, I can't flirt my way up to the hypothetical chain of hypothetical corporate ladder. What corporate ladder, you ask? EXACTLY. WHAT. This made a lot more sense in my head.

The bad thing about not blacking out when getting wasted...

2010-04-05T19:40:00.000-07:00

I can honestly say I've never blacked out from excessive drinking. Not only that, I remember EVERYTHING. The only time I claim that I don't remember is when I've done something stupid and I just say that I don't remember to justify anything I may or "may not" have done. So, I guess this could be a good thing because I usually fill everyone in on what kind of retarded things they've done the night before. Yes, this is a good thing for all my friends; but how the hell do I benefit from it? Sometimes to not remember something is a very, very good thing. Do you know how many times I've gone through the same, "Oh dude, you gotta watch this clip on youtube it's fucking hilarious!" Yes, I know it's fucking hilarious the first time I saw it during the same drunken rage I had to endure three weeks prior; then I had to watch it again the next week and then the next week again:

"Okay, go on youtube and punch in...."

"Hairy ball licker?"

"Yeah, yeah...you've seen it? No way, it's fucking awesome"

"I had a hunch"

"Okay, give me the mouse now type in *drops mouse*"

"It's okay, I've seen it already"

"No way, I don't think so it's effing great. Just put it in...google it.....wooooo..hahaha yeah!"

*fast forward 3 hours*

"Oh, dude, I have to show you something on youtube!"

"Fucking, eh"

Oh, and I mustn't forget the multiple drunk "I love you's"!

"Grace, I love you"

"Yeah, I know"

"No, I really love you"

"Okay, thanks"

"Seriously, I love you"

"Right on!"

"I love you, and I want to show the most hilarious clip on youtube!"

Since I'm pretty sure most of my friends don't remember shit all I usually make things up. I can do that, because I'm rad.

Anyway, all this remembering has caused me to stop hanging out with people, because the repetitiveness has driven me insane. I've tried drinking more, but that doesn't work. I guess I'll just have to knock my head on a very hard surface or date rape drug myself. Can you imagine waking up to my own hand on my own boob? OH my gaaad the horror!

Writing a blog on "meds"

2010-04-03T20:35:00.001-07:00

I'm not sick, but I decided to take anything that says "may cause drowsiness" on it and see what it will do. I'm not sleepy but my fingers are failing to move at their normal speed and my face is numb. I did; however, manage to make myself a salad and did the dishes, but not without knocking a glass of water over. Oh yeah, and as you can see I finished my first book which is THIS blog turned into that book. I bet you're wondering why you would pay for a blog that you read for free already. Well, for one thing if you don't own a lap top you can't take the wonderful reading material into the washroom with you while you take a huge dump. Secondly, there are things in that book that you haven't read yet! I saved the most offensive things for my book. Again, I don't mention names, but most likely if you've told me a deep, dark secret it's in the book as a general life lesson on how not to act....or how to act ALL THE EFFING TIME. OH boy, I think the pills are kicking in, but I'm determined to finish this note as I have been busy being extremely lazy. I have to continue on with my second book, which I've lost all passion for.

Okay...uhm...book..."My Purpose"...I'm supposed to be promoting my book. So, my original goal was to sell a billion copies. I thought that was a bit unrealistic so I decided to aim a bit lower and go for 2. Yes, if I sell 2 copies I will be very happy; and this includes the one that I bought myself.

So now that it's April I should have some exciting story to tell you, but I don't. Well, I do but I won't because I don't really feel like it.

Anyway, I think the pills are working. Buy my book or I will cry...and you will cry...out of your ass.

Love you,

Grace

What the Olympics brought for me...because it's always about me.

2010-03-06T14:14:00.000-08:00

So, the Olympics are over....already, eh? I had no idea what was going on with the actual sports and the winning of things, nor did I really care. I was kind of distracted with my own thing, like finding a place to sleep to avoid the commute to and from the pavilion I was was working at. Oh, and I shan't forget the many, many sexual favours I had to give out in order to make myself feel pretty again. If you don't know me, I am a complete pussy when it comes to working long hours with little or no sleep which is kind of ironic, since I chose a profession that includes a huge work load (ha, I said work), with long hours; which then restricts many hours of sleep. I guess when I was a wee little (yet large) las, I was capable of doing such dumb things to my body, but now...I will only do dumb things to my body while highly intoxicated. Oh, and I did do dumb things which included copious amounts of alcohol ONLY on the first and last day of the Olympics. I stupidly (or intelligently) switched to the 6pm-2am shift so there was no drinking to be had during the 3 weeks I worked. That's okay, I met some cool people and couple of "NOT SO COOL BUT THOUGHT THEY WERE THE SHIT" people.

Okay, so like I said I won't be talking about the sports events, because I was cooped up in the back the entire time and I don't have cable so I didn't watch anything, and the last thing I wanted to do was sit at a bar with a whole bunch of people and watch things. I'm anti social as it is..unless, I really REALLY force myself to go out and do stupid things. Besides, I could tell when Canada won something by the "Wooooooo's" and the "USA, you suck!" noises. Yeah, I'm not going to say that I'm NOT proud of Canada, I'm just not going to show any emotion what so ever because that's who I am, and emotions are a sign of weakness. I am a weak person I just don't want people to know that so ignore this sentence...do it....RIGHT NOW! Instead, I'm going to concentrate on the work aspect of things. So, for 3 weeks during February, I worked at a pavilion in the kitchen department along with many other people. I went in there thinking we would actually be cooking things and getting our hands dirty; we just got our hand dirty. Whatever, it's all good...I mean, it was only 3 weeks right? There was a lot of re-heating, deep frying, and mini burgers. What should have been the easiest weeks of our lives people actually managed to get fired, cry, almost die (I'm making that up), and cry some more. I couldn't believe that within that time we developed an AM-PM "war", and we had people yelling and arguing with each other. Man, it was three effing weeks! HAHA. I'm not innocent when it came to the controlling of temper thing; heck, I was happy to give mega attitude to this loser red-headed kid who was oblivious to everything around him. I'm not sure if he was lazy or just really, really retarded. It literally took him 8 hours to fill portion cups full of already prepared sauces. No one liked him because I started an awful rumour about him...he rapes baby sheep. However, that rumour didn't work because most people in the kitchen are sick and like that sort of thing; people just hated him for who he was. I felt bad for certain management who had to deal with people with little or no experience and went into the whole thing not caring because, after all, it was only a very temporary gig; it's difficult to expect a lot out of anyone during that time span. Hell, I even toned down my work ethic a bit....like, instead of coming in a half hour early, I was there 15 minutes early! Wow, I'm such a rebel! I don't know why I work so hard in situations where I don't have to. I think it's a damn curse and I need some freaky old Indian chief to rid me of such demons. While he's at it, he should rid me of my bitterness too and my constant craving for raw meat. Mmmmm....raw meat.

On a brighter note, I had a lot of fun singing bad songs, doing the robot on a greasy kitchen floor, flicking coins in a hotel room, and lastly defacing the bible. Oh, fuck that was fun...however, I did have help with that one. Sorry, Jesus, you have to admit though, the bible is kind of ridiculous. Yeah? NO? Come on...high five!

Well, I'm going to continue to recover from this nasty cold I've developed while wandering the streets of Vancouver NOT trying to sell myself. I'm very patriotic so I just gave it away for free.

With love,

Grace

A Slut you Say? Well, okay then!

2010-02-06T10:28:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I don't understand the words that come out of some people's mouths. No, not because I'm Chinese and everyone is speaking English to me. I'm more specifically talking about dudes who do not know how to react when getting rejected by a chick. This is not a matter of "won't", but strictly a matter of "can't". Much like our beloved born-again Christian, these dudes, instead of logically dealing with the situation, start spewing out insults. Take, for example, dude at a club asking a chick to dance:

Dude: Hey, chick you're hot wanna dance?

Chick: No thanks

Dude: Oh come on, please? You're very pretty.

Chick: Nah, I just wanna dance by myself, but yeah, thanks.

Dude: Whatever, you slut. You're a fucking bitch and you're ugly!

Alright...so what just happened there? If chick was so ugly why did he approach her and tell her how attractive she was? Now, let's take a look at how he concluded she was a slut. Now it's my own understanding is, a slut is a girl who sleeps with many, many men to fill the void of her daddy...give or take a few more words. Oh, right and the whole gaining some sort of attention thing too. So in dude's mind if she refuses his advances she's a slut, and if she did decide to dance with him and allow certain forms of penetration dude will still think of chick as a slut. His negative view of her will grow especially the next day when sobriety kicks in. Of course, dude is not at fault because of the whole "spread seed cave man mentality" that is embedded in the genes of all men. I wish I had that gene.

So let's take a closer look at the ever so popular slut for a while. My analysis of slut concludes that she is all about temporary social acceptance. We've all done things we're not proud the difference between us and the slut is that the slut is proud to air her dirty laundry (most likely used panties). She'll hide behind a wall of supposed shame, but really if she was so ashamed she would have not opened her mouth let alone her legs. I admit if I had any physical contact with an extremely attractive dude I'm going to be damn proud of that! I have my reasons and they're all associated with "former fat girl syndrome". Of course when a slut is interviewed for a future episode of "intervention" she'll turn on the water works and explain the reason she turned to "slutism". No matter how hard we try a man slut will always be more socially accepted than a chick slut. We've been brained washed far too long to think other wise. Same goes with how we think marriage is the most awesome concept ever. Anyway, this is what I think a slut is....not the chick who refused to dance with some dude.

Guys have to be more creative when trying to hurt feelings. It's like they don't even try anymore. It's so easy to throw out derogatory terms that aren't relevant to the situation. It's come to a point where I, personally, don't get mad anymore. The only insult that affects me is a dude calling me fat because the truth hurts:

"You're fat, Chinese, you have black hair, and your eyes are brown!"

Wow, that hurt me just typing that out.

Oh yes, I know I've heard girls be lame as well by throwing the, "Well, you have a small penis" line. The thing is with that is it gives the accused dude the opportunity to flash chicks, and dudes like it when girls say the word "penis". The thought of chicks even imagining what a penis may or may not look like is still arousing to the male psyche even if it's being belittled. I mean, I'm just guessing. Again, I'm a cook right? Why would my opinion matter? I must be a huge slut or something.

Stupid things like, socks

2010-01-15T12:49:00.000-08:00

Wrapping Presents
Now because I'm a chick and I'm Asian, people assume that I'm always totally psyched when it comes to wrapping presents. Yes, being Asian and having a vagina does mean I'm good at it, but now I fake being crappy at it so people will refrain from asking me to wrap their presents. Everything associated with presents I hate. I hate shopping for presents, I hate buying wrapping paper for one gift, and I hate buying tape that I usually lose for that one stupid gift! "Oh look, I spent a long time making sure that the wrapping paper is all symmetrical and shit for you to pretend to carefully open it, but that stupid tape that I bought and misplaced is ruining it anyway so you end up ripping the crap out of the paper!"
On the other hand, I don't mind opening presents. Give me a present so I can rip the wrapping paper you worked so hard on!

Socks
Give me a pile of dirty dishes to wash or a poo streaked toilet and I'll be more willing to clean those things rather than folding the damn laundry. Socks have the be the worst thing about folding laundry. Why do socks always go missing and why do they always flip inside out? Why do people buy fancy patterned socks only for them to be hidden under really ugly shoes and/or pants?

"Wanna see my awesome socks you can't see? I'd pull my pants up but my calves are too big, so I'm just going to describe the shit out of the socks so you can get an idea of how pointless the patterns are".

We need socks due to the whole sweating and bacteria thing. Oh, AND they prevent blisters too and they are man's best friend when a towel isn't near by. Socks make great puppets....gross, dirty feet puppets, but puppets nonetheless. I always had a problem with developing holes in my socks only after a few days after purchasing them due to my overly elongated second toe.

Poetry
Poetry is stupid and dumb
I'd rather stuff my nostrils with gum
Anyone can put a whole bunch of words in a line
Like poo poo pee pee and you is gonna be mine.

There isn't a deeper meaning behind anything in poetry. Someone just got super stoned and wrote something down and was all, "Holy shit, I'm a mother effing GENIUS." After realizing what they wrote was highly offensive, they thank goodness for the invention of the the metaphor:

"NO, dude, listen! "I want to cut and murder you slowly" was just a metaphor for how I DON'T want to cut and murder you slowly, silly!"

How Toilet Paper Hangs

This is a very popular preference: The toilet paper must hang over and NEVER under!!!! I never understood the big deal unless the person was suffering from OCD because that's a totally legitimate disease like alcoholism and food addiction. From intense scientific research, I discovered that toilet paper flows the same whether it's coming from under or over. I think a bigger deal is the issue of running out of toilet paper completely. There's nothing worse than taking a huge dump to find out you're out of toilet paper, facial tissue, paper towels, newspaper, and leaves.

Anyway, my opinions are only a metaphor for something you agree with. Love you?

Don't FORGET!

2010-01-11T22:52:00.000-08:00

Hey random people I don't know! Remember I have a food blog as well so go and visit that when you're sick of looking at photoshopped pictures of me. Which would explain the picture of me in its purest form....me in my PJ's and with my "I just woke up" face.

CLICK HERE FOR MY FOOD BLOG!

Cheers, douches!

I LOSE!

2010-01-08T14:56:00.000-08:00

So, as fun as the POF social experiment was, I somehow got banned from that site. Gee, I wonder why? I wasn't even really that mean to anyone except that I was lying, but not really because I directed the peeps to the truth! PFFT. I'm not sure if this is only a temporary ban, as I was banned before then all of a sudden I was able to re open my account. Now, I don't hate POF. It's a perfect free site for people like me who have difficulties approaching complete strangers on the street. I've met some of my closest friends on that site, and I'm pretty picky when it comes to allowing people in my "circle", so if you're a friend consider yourself lucky!--or not. Anyway, I just don't understand how I get banned when there is obviously an abundance of sex offenders on that site. I have proof too, as I didn't post ALL of the perverted messages I've received. Again, perverted messages are always expected...it's what dudes do. I was more surprised at the fact that "LOL I JUZ WANNA DANCE" Grace won the popularity contest. This means I no longer have the pressure to be funny anymore! Wait, funny is all I know. I'm doomed.

Whatever, it's not a huge deal I just wish who ever reported me would man up so I could cut them.

Anyway, if you're trying to click the link on my previous note and find it isn't working...that's why. I didn't get an email from the POF administrators yet, but if I do then I'll be sure to post it! I'm thinking it'll be along the lines of, "You need psychological help". Well, you know what? They can go to hell and die...or die and go to hell, rather...unless they don't believe in hell. Then they can just get a paper cut, because paper cuts hurt!

So here was LOL Grace's Profile. Are you ready? Because you SHOULD be effing ready!

About Me
Anyway, I hate writing these things and I don't even know why I'm on here LOL. Just to make it clear, I'm not into crazy, creepy, weird men who are crazy and creepy and weird. Like, seriously, like, you know? Oh, and I definitely don't like playing games, that's just, like, for losers. I hate losers. I'm a winner and I don't want a loser LOL. OMG, please don't be sad if I don't respond because I'm just way too busy doing stuff ^_^ --like, drawing faces like that! LOL! Seriously though, if you're ugly then don't message me because I don't talk to ugly people.

I hope you like my pictures they were so random! I love it..omg..

(Notice the the genius angle , but no photo shopping was required...just three months of starvation and still I'm considered overweight according to the BMI.)

LOL! HA! I know, they're not very good and I'm so fat. GAWD, I feel so fat. I'm so ugly. UGH..why am I so ugly? Look at my pictures!!!!!!

Interests
Shopping, shoes, taking picures of myself LOL, sparkles, and bows

First Date
Something fun but not too fun but not boring but I like surprises. Maybe we can go dancing. I love dancing!! DANCING! OMG LOL

Oh, Internet Dating

2010-01-05T01:42:00.000-08:00

So, I decided to go with another approach with this whole internet dating profile thing. Since my humour was scaring off a lot of the people I totally sold out and put up a bunch of self mirror shots. I'm guessing that anyone who doesn't even take time to read my profile won't even be clever enough to copy and paste the link of my blog on to their browser and realize I'm a complete fraud.

Right, so social experiment 10 543 starts now. After reading hundred of other chicks' profiles I think this is the right thing to do as for getting attention. Wish me luck, folks! Oh, and here's the link to my new awesome profile! I need more damn hits on this blog, and I will do ANYTHING for shameless self promotion.

CLICK HERE FOR MY PROFILE

As for the dudes who actually thought they would see sexy pictures of me...sorry, I lied! You wouldn't want to anyway.

***UPDATE***

So, not even 12 hours after I created this super dumb profile my inbox is full...almost. I've already gotten, "Your profile is great and I like a girl who knows what she wants". How the HELL do guys get that from my profile? I've gotten a phone number, a request to grab my ass....which was all expected. However, the number of people saying how much they like the profile and how cool I am? Really??? Seriously? My last profile was actually funny. Well, from now on I know not to ever be myself. I am going to LOL my way out of everything and OMG will now be part of my regular vocabulary. EFF YOU, everyone LOL!

And.... I totally understand that people are shallow and superficial, because I am guilty of that as well. I just don't think people should be shallow AND stupid; or shallow, stupid, and ugly. I know, I'm full of contradictions and I am a fan of the double standard...I had a point to all this, but I shall leave it at that. I will update this post with my favourite messages from my POF inbox. Until next time, I think I will comb my eye lashes now.

My worst fears are true: LOL and OMG wins.... with some cleverly angled pictures of myself. I've gotten many requests to meet by answering with just "lol" each time. I've agreed to meet each and everyone of these dudes tomorrow at 3pm behind the dumpster at *blank* street. I hope they have a great time. It's unfortunate that SOME of these dudes aren't that bad, but I go as myself I'll get cut....badly, and if I go as stupid then I'll want to cut myself...badly. Either way, I'm totally a chick dick! High five, indeed! WAPOW!

I never realized how many dudes share the same interests as me. My interests include, shopping, shoes, sparkles, bows, taking pictures of myself, lol'ing, and omg'ing; yet this guy says...

"Hi I'm *STUPID* new to the area and interested in meeting fun, smart and energetic ppl in the city. I've read through your profile and it seems we have common interests therefore would love to chat."

The message of the day award goes to some weirdo stating the following:

"hey baby , i read your profile and looking you . you are lookes very hot sexy baby . you lookes not ulgy , you lookes super sexy sex baby , i like you you make me up , can you make up with me please xx . i love to see you and have good real xxx with you in the bedroom . please let me know sexy baby . thank you . [ i love xxxxxx with you sexy xx ] "

Here are some more messages that I thought would be worth sharing (unedited, by the way). I'm so flattered!

your gorgeous!
my names **** its nice meeting you. i am interested in older asian women if you like young white guys let me know ;)

Hello good afternoon I'm ***** I must say loved your profile and have to let you know your very beautiful hope to hear back from you cheers.

You are the reason I find asian ladies so damn hot! I have never
been out with an asian but if I ever do I hope she looks like you!
Keep it up! Awesome little hottie you are!

yess baby i want u.do u wanna lick my lollipop??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I can help you take pics so you don't have to use a mirror =P

hey there ;).Ur very cute hahah i love ur writtings hahah .lets get together

hey sexy, how you doing? enjoyed your blog... what is it you seek on here?

wuz up's
how are you doing?
you ave good profile about urself you ave good pic of you not ugly ur beautful and never but self down
keep self up
byway what is ur name?
my name is ****
ok if u wann chat with holla at me back or you add me in my msn
ok later

Just wanted to say hi and how pretty you lookits telling me i have to say more so hmm. im 26 born and raised in vancouver.. your so sexy... you must get that alot right??

POO BE GONE!

2009-12-31T12:17:00.000-08:00

So my dream is to come up with a line called "Poo Be Gone". For my 27th birthday I woke up with a genius idea to peel the label off my hand soap bottle and used a permanent pen to write, "Poo be Gone Hand Soap", so now I kind of want people over just to read that then I can kick them out right after. Well, I just wanted to write one last note in 2009 before the second zero turns into a "1" and the "9" loses its little dangley tail thingy. I don't really have anything significant to write about I'm just waiting for my brother to wake up because it's already 12:30PM and I'm hungry and not in my own apartment where I have an endless supply of peanut butter I could really eat right now.

Anyway, I recently just attended my ten year high school reunion and it was quite interesting. It was exactly how I imagined it to be....exactly the same as it was ten years ago except with your awkward "Hey, I kinda know you but I don't but I'll reluctantly say hi anyway!" Of course everyone was very nice and still looked rather fantastic and blah blah blah. I even won an award for losing my virginity and all it took was for me to have sex with someone! I should totally lose my virginity again. Mind you, I had to find someone the day I answered that grad survey about 3 weeks prior to the reunion. Was it wrong the guy cried the whole time? I don't ever recall porn having the dude spewing tears out of his eyes. I guess it is possible for dudes to get raped. Well, uh, yeah....alrighty then. A lot of the conversation had to deal with careers and families and with my recent retirement and my ugly vagina I had to come up with clever ways of letting people know I was unemployed and single:

Classmate X: So, Grace, what are you up to?

Grace: Oh, meh!

Classmate X: I'm a super fantastic rocket scientist, part time doctor, father/mother of 10 other baby genius rocket scientists/doctors. Are you seeing anyone?

Grace: I see people all the time!

Classmate X: I'm married to Brad and Angelina and they fight to see who can have me more.

Grace: I saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith in the theatre one time.

Classmate X: That's so cool!

OK, so it wasn't quite like that...I don't think Classmate X really had 10 kids. It was great to catch up with some of the people and to be still completely ignored by the usual people who completely ignored me back in the day. It's nice to see things really haven't changed. I don't blame them I was one of two Asians in the place. I can understand how scary my slanty eyes and horizontal vagina can be... which is located on my face.

Hope everyone has a fantastic new years eve and such! See you in the new year. Well, I won't be seeing you, but you can see me type and stuff.

Merry Effing Christmas!

2009-12-22T14:52:00.000-08:00

So, yeah, I've lost my funny and will be on hiatus for a while longer. I can't seem to write anything that isn't depressing and anti-Jesus' birthday. It's not his birthday that bugs me it's the smell of December 25 malls. Oh here is a gift I was forced to give you because of the day and such...it's so genuine so love me! I can honestly say that anything I bought that was intended to be a gift had no thought in it what so ever. I first look at the price and if it's not ridiculous then sure I'll buy it, why the hell not? Is it just me? Am I huge jerk? Well, we all know I am...unless you're my friend then I'll pay you to stay friends with me. Why don't people buy each other things they'll actually use like toilet paper or condoms? Yeah, may not be appropriate but toilet paper will get used and who knows...people get horny, right? If you buy someone condoms it shows that you care about their safety. I'd rather get paper towels myself...rather than a pillow with a reindeer on it that I can only take out during the month of December.

Oh, and I can't forget about New Years! I think this year I'm going to just sit on my couch with my toilet paper and condoms. I know I'll be using one of them for sure this year. I could fill the condoms up with flour and use it as a stress release ball.

Alright then, have a great whatever! I love you!

How I make clubbing fun

2009-12-03T19:02:00.000-08:00

How to make Clubbing Fun (For me)!

I have a certain love/hate relationship when it comes to clubbing. I just love how ridiculous the whole concept is, yet at the same time I'd be lying if I said I didn't like some the attention and the chance to reject. Trust me, I've been rejected by many people myself so it's only fair that I get some sort of satisfaction from it, because we all know that *one* guy who gets rejected represents every other dude in the world. Good enough reason? I seem to think so! Clubbing is, admit it or not, one huge game. The chances of people looking for an actual long term relationship at a club is pretty slim. Therefore, the only purpose for clubbing is for pure entertainment. Forms of entertainment include ogling, dancing (for chicks and gay dudes only), and observing male/female interaction. It's quite fun watching guys AND girls try to only fail miserably at each attempt.

My own personal entertainment when it comes to clubbing is to see how many times I can get hit on by not trying. What does this entail? Normal girls spend hours getting ready for a night out. This means loads of make up, cheap jewelery, high heels, short skirts (even in the midst of a snow storm), and lastly, tops that almost expose the areola and/or nipple. I'm not discouraging or criticizing these chicks because they did spend a lot of time and money to look the way they do and they DO look fantastic. Whatever works for them I'm happy...it's all good. However, it reminds me of this joke I heard:

"Why do girls put on make up and wear make up?"
"Because they're ugly and they stink."

Anyway, one of the differences between the normal hot chick and me is I dress to unimpress, but our motives are all the same. I have this hoodie that I've had for years and it's my favourite thing to wear out. It's black and well, that's pretty much it. If I have guys buying me drinks and asking me to dance wearing what I wear out I know that I've won because that is the game I like to play! Dude may also be completely desperate and has a thing for the "slanty eyes". Let's just pretend that isn't the case most of the time. Besides, living in Vancouver there are a LOT of willing Asian chicks in clubs out there. The thing that normal hot chicks and I have in common is the satisfaction of having to reject people. I'm just less of a cock tease about it. Ladies, if you spend hours to look almost naked and get incredibly angry at the dude who hits on you (but secretly like the attention) then, yeah, you're a chick dick. A chick dick also spends thousands of dollars on breast implants only to be offended by boob starers. You know, if I had fake boobies I'd be topless...all...the...time, and yell if you weren't staring.

So, how does Grace be a chick dick without actually exposing a nipple? Well, I do it through words of course! I noticed that just saying "no" doesn't work so much anymore. I didn't know some guys can be so persistent....actually I did. If there's one thing I can't stand it's the dude who tries too hard. They have the whole smothering potential. Dude, I already have a pillow, thanks. Get it? Pillow? Smother? HA! I also find myself rejecting potentially good guys, but that's all due to my extreme fear of being in a relationship. Did I tell you how much I love the internet and the ability to self-diagnose? Anyway, here are things YOU can talk about to detract the man of YOUR dreams:

-That huge crap you took in the morning

-That your vagina is larger than most (that way he can last longer)

-You're looking to fill the void of your estranged father

-That your uncle filled that void temporarily until he was thrown in jail

-You miss your uncle

-Your nipples resemble a penis that of a 3 year old's.

-Ask him if he likes 3 year olds

-You're post post op

-Explain that post post op means you were born a chick, had surgery to become a dude only to realize that as a dude you were ugly, and gay dudes were pickier than straight dudes so you decided to change back to vagina.

-You denounced Christianity because you were sick of anal

If you do decide to use my tactics and find yourself in a very compromising situation it's your own fault. I don't deal well with responsibility.

Why? Part Deux

2009-11-28T10:00:00.000-08:00

I'm returning to the topic of "Why?" Why? Well, because we all want answers, but then once we find out why then we'll get bored and live a life of oblivious, dumb man.

1. Why BLOG?

Let's start with why I'm writing a blog. I like it? It's fun? I can't contain my thoughts and expressing them through text is easier for me! There you have it! I lead a very boring life so I can't really write about my own adventures and shameful doings, and even if I did I don't think I would want to write about it. Gaining attention *that* way isn't my thing (not that there's anything wrong with that); however, gaining attention through constant ranting/arguing/bitch sessions is. If I ever do find myself in a compromising situation I'll be sure to share the story, but I'll use the whole "I know this chick" scenario. I'm so desperate for attention I created a fake account on that infamous dating site "POF" (AGAIN) and I claim to be a middle aged lady with a love for beets just to provide a link leading weirdos to this very blog. These potential weirdos will hopefully click on the provided link, read this very article leading to the actual identity of the BEET LADY. Truth is, I haven't consumed a beet in over a month. Don't get me wrong, I do love beets it's just that I'm not obsessed to the point where I actually list off how many ways I enjoy beets....all...the...time. I would like to hope that people aren't that stupid and they already know that there was and never will be a beet lady. Here, check it out! I even do a little shout out to myself. I'm so clever... http://www.plentyoffish.com/member16482927.htm

2. Why are you YELLING?!@#@!#

It's perfectly normal for people to have some sort of road rage, but there are some people who take it a bit too far. You know the type! They will yell at uncontrollable loud levels and will throw every derogatory, slandering, demeaning term out there and the only person who has to deal with such crazy is me, the passenger...who thinks that you really need to calm the F*CK DOWN, A*SHOLE! You know a little anger is completely justified. Let it out, I say! But to yell at the point where there's saliva spewing out of the corners of the mouth is disturbing and awkward...very, very awkward. And who are you yelling at? A car with passengers who can't hear you? Who are too dumb to notice they're even doing anything wrong? The cars around you are sure getting a show watching you make weird, angry, almost sneezing faces, and banging on the steering wheel. Now THAT'S funny! HA! Oh, let me guess you also hit on chicks through your car window while you drive off, and you're a very angry drunk and can't deal with rejection very well? I'm totally guessing. Did I guess correctly? I like guessing! I totally understand because if I did drive I , too, would be one of these maniacs who can't deal with rejection and turn into the hulk when I have a drink or two.

3. Why can't you just realize it's YOU?

So I was browsing through craigslist personals and I came across this ad titled "Vancouver women are the lowest scum of the earth". Well, I can't remember if that was the exact title, but it's pretty close. I tried finding the link today, but it was deleted. Gee, I wonder why? Now, if you haven't browsed through the "men seeking women" section I REALLY suggest that you do. Even better browse through the "adult gig" section. POF has nothing on these, well, to put it lightly, outcasts of society. I know, that was a pretty boring sentence/insult. Moving forward, this guy starts off by saying how he's travelled the world and Vancouver has only three types of women: women who want want want; women who flake out and don't show up for dates; and lastly, women who are picky. Alright, well, uh, DUDE you just described the only three women you've met or known! More importantly, you described every human being out there. People have preferences, people WANT things, and people don't show up on dates with stupid people who can't admit their own faults like you. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's the ladies of Vancouver and YOU have NOTHING to do with all the rejection you entail. If you're so well travelled why do you choose to reside here? Why are you putting up a personal advertisement for? This person even states at the end of the post that he s holding out for some hope that there's a lady out there who will put up with his madness. So, it wasn't just a complaint post, he was actually still looking for a date...in Vancouver...with Vancouver chicks. In his explanation of the women who "flake out" he says SO many women just don't call back or won't show up for the second date. Please, tell me what exactly is "so many women"? Is it like two, three? Point is if it happened more than once perhaps you should re-title your post to "I should really place blame to myself because I'm stupid, I'm a liar, I'm a hypocrite, I'm in denial, and if that many women are standing me up there must something very, very wrong with me". He also says he can't trust Vancouver women. I have trust issues...we ALL have trust issues. If we trusted everyone we'd all get screwed and raped...all at the same time! That's why I don't say that I don't trust MEN, I just don't trust ANYONE....women, men, babies...they all have the potential to be evil. If the author of the craigslist post does come across this blog (in which case, I really hope you do) let me remind you that you are still single and will remain that way forEVER, and if you want to attack me I'll understand that you're doing so will only strengthen my argument that insulting people is a way of hiding your ugly wang. The way I deal with my flaws is by writing about how dumb I think people are....which makes me as low as you. I WIN!

4. Why is everyone so against abortion?

I'm totally kidding. I'm way too sober to write about this right now. Go eat an egg and tell me if it felt any pain.

Random thoughts

2009-11-28T01:09:00.000-08:00

Alright, are you ready? Okay, here goes! Wait for it.....

Damn, I really have NOTHING to rant about. I did just have a really big bowl of soup and I have to pee. I'm determined to finish this article before I take a piss. You know, I need to get my ego boosted; perhaps a trip to the local "Roxy" joint is called for. Nah, no, that's a bad idea. I noticed that on my recent trip to T&T I was getting sexy looks from a very good looking man....wait, no let me correct myself...a very good looking GAY man. Trust me, I know a gay man when I see one. I like judging from the outside and forming opinions BEFORE getting to know someone. It's just this thing I do. I notice gay men like to play with my hair. You know who else tends to stare at me? Straight Asian chicks in Richmond Centre. If you're not from Vancouver, Richmond is a magical city built on water and it's full of people who own expensive cars but can't drive them. I know that when I take the Canada line down to Richmond I feel like I'm some sort of spy. I look like them, so I can kind of get away with blending in, but at the same time I stick out like a sore thumb. "What am I?" is what they're constantly thinking. I know I may be paranoid, but no I've caught people staring at me.... for long periods of times too. I know what they're thinking: I have the height of a Korean, the posture and demeanor of a white chick, the nose and mouth of the Japanese, the skin shade of a Polynesian, a dress size not available in most Richmond shops, and the capability to beat up every male in the mall with a single punch. And to boot, I have burn/cut scars on my forearms. What they don't know is I have the palate of a Chinese person and the stomach that can survive on beef tripe and tendon alone. Well, I can't anymore because I'm getting old I'll get acid reflux. I have the slanty eyes but where is my expensive hand bag? My shuffling of feet when I walk? My orange hair? My fake blue contact lenses? Why don't I live at home with my parents and one set of grandparents? Why don't I smell of moth balls? Why am I saying all these things that can get me into a lot of trouble? Why do I understand the concept of sarcasm?

Well, I can't hold my pee any longer. *Takes a pee*. I knew that when I did that I was going to forget what I was going to write about. I'm having these thoughts of me dying lately. Like, I really think I'm going to die....and soon! No, no..before you get all worried there is no way I could take my own life. I'm too scared and frankly, I don't want to die...yet. If I knew when I was going to die I'd get myself a crack pipe and invite my closest friends (who also know when they're going to die), and just have a crack smoking good rest of our lives. No, wait. I change my mind. I don't like crack! PFFT, what am I thinking? I'd eat the world! I am addicted to food! More particularly, innards/offal! Oh and I'll throw a bunch of orgy parties! Ah, heck even if I'm not really dying I'll still throw the parties. Of course, I will not partake. I only like watching.

And there you have it, folks. How Jesus invented the wheel after it was already invented..by his dad, God.

Understanding Dicks

2009-11-20T12:10:00.001-08:00

What is a dick? "Dick" could be a name and to name your kid "Dick" today is social suicide so, yeah, go for it! You can name your daughter Clit while you're at it. A dick could also be that thing in between most dudes' legs and some may be missing the balls to go along with that said dick. However, the "dick" I'm referring to is the JERK, the douche bag, the asshole, the pathetic dude with major insecurity issues but hasn't come to admit such issues due to the lack of balls. I would like to consider myself as an honorary dick. I am and can be a very nice person, but I also don't care about the little things and I sometimes forget that people have feelings. With that said, I understand dickism, but I'm also a very well rounded person and whatever nurturing side of me that lingers in the depth of my hard shell prevents me from being that complete asshole....depending on who you are.

Dicks can come in many forms...literally and figuratively!

1. The "I sleep with everyone because I'm a dick" dick.

You could be a very nice, personable dude you just like your varieties of vagina and you're selfish. However, if you admit that you're a dick and that you're not capable of committing and you let your vagina's know, then really, you're not a dick. You just use the excuse of being a dick to justify using your, well, dick. You may have other major psychological problems, but who doesn't?--Shut up, person with no issues...we all hate you. On the other hand, if you sleep around and you promise every chick a lifetime of cuddles with only that chick, yet you have a different chick every week then, yeah, that's a dick move. Girls who do the same are known as strong, independent women and are looked high upon due to their capabilities of not needing to be tied down. Yeah, I totally went there. You also do things like, never call back, ignore phone calls/texts/emails, and make contact when it's convenient for yourself. Yes, I am guilty of those things, but I don't...I, well, I'm just really...uhm...I'm losing you...KHEHHEEAWW...I'm going under a tunnel.

2. The "I must be a dick to everyone in the service industry" dick.

Whether it be in customer service, or in a restaurant this dick always has to belittle "the help" to boost his own ego. Ironically, this dick has no ego, or has no RIGHT to have an ego. Big dick attitude means little dick in pants syndrome. This person always wants to start shit for no reason, and says stupid things like, "Do you know who I am?" Obviously, no one knows who you are, and no one wants to know who you are. You're not Al Pacino from Godfather and Scarface because I am. Take a good look at yourself in the mirror and ask what it is you do. For one, you're probably in the customer/service industry yourself with no real education and it's difficult for you to remember such elementary school rules like, "'i' before 'e' except after 'c'". You also have this belief that you think every chick is checking you out and that every gay man wants to rape your ass. Chicks stare to judge and so do gay dudes. Some people just have lazy eyes and aren't really looking at you. Perhaps you resemble a cartoon character and your face as a real life human being is comical and really, really weird. At a restaurant this person will never order something from the menu without modifying a dish, always assumes that people are giving them attitude and the world is out to get them, and he strongly believes that he is never, ever, NEVER wrong. Oh, and they don't pay the bill either.

3. The "I must say everything I'm thinking because I'm a dick" dick

You know what? It's okay to shut up once in a while. Why are you talking? Yeah, you the guy who has to comment every two seconds during a movie. We've all done it....yell at the movie screen asking why a certain scene wasn't done in a more logical way. If movie plots were written in a rational, time efficient way we would complain that we just spent 12 bucks for a ten minute movie. Writing a script is hard that's why the one I'm writing is on my bed being ignored for a while. When I watch a movie, especially in a theatre, an occasional *insert sarcastic/humorous comment here* is fine; however, a "WHAT THE EFF, man are you STUPID?" is beyond annoying. Same with "HAHA OMG, that's SOOO FUNNY!" The act of laughing should suffice at showing your appreciation at such fantastic script writing. Anyway, I understand this may not be a complete dick move, but these people also tend to be attention seekers...based on the fact that I'm totally making it up and haven't really done any psychological link studies. I guess it's based on personal experience and television shows. This dick also seems to try very, very hard at social acceptance. They try very hard to funny by repeating jokes that were funny back in 2004. They also constantly insult and follow each insult with "I'm just joking". Jokes are supposed to funny, you idiot. "What do you call a..." jokes get tiresome after about 3. I don't appreciate "what do you call a..." jokes because someone else wrote them and you're just repeating someone else's efforts. I can't fake laugh for very long...it hurts. Yo, yo..check this out..."what do you call a ..". I don't know...I don't care, I want you to shut up.

4. The "Debbie Downer" dick

I know I'm probably the most pessimistic person out there but I'm only that way to create some form of balance. Overly positive perky people aren't really prepared to deal with disappointments. Well, this dick enjoys seeing people fail and will make up every excuse to why a certain idea is just horrible and will never work because this dick is an expert on absolutely everything. Bought a house? Well to them that's just stupid. Writing a book? No one reads anymore. Have a great idea for a script? That idea's been done. I don't like seeing people fail or suffer. I know, right? Me....a nice person? If I don't like a person and that person succeeds it just motivates me to do something better. One of the reasons why I became a chef was because so many people told me how difficult it was by "Debbie Downer" dicks. These people use to bother me a lot, but I learned to understand these dicks the most. They tend to be the people who aren't ambitious, who are lazy, and sometimes people you just met. Their love for sabotage and undermining is a way to cope with the inadequate life they're leading. The end, there you have it, I win, you lose.

5. The "It's okay he's a dick" dick

These dicks are completely justified due to their success and intelligence. They are hard working dicks who are witty, smart-assy, and have every right to be a dick because they have something to show for it. Yes, I just realized I have no good reason to be a dick except for the fact I'm a chick and I would be known as a bitch. I'm not a bitch. A bitch is just mean and they do the whole snub face thing and hold little dogs and hate on other chicks because they wear ugly shoes or something. I don't know...I'm totally guessing. I am, on the other hand, good at having an answer for everything. That's why I consider myself a dick. I'm in my own category though..the Grace dick. It's a mixture of being passive aggressive, condescending, and of course, sarcastic. It's funny, right? Yeah, funny.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that we all have a little dick in all of us. Yes, I understand how that sounds and I was totally going for that.

I'd like to say sorry to all the dudes out there

2009-11-19T15:14:00.000-08:00

Warning: this video contains 11 minutes of pure "who cares" content, and just because it's an Asian chick it isn't ME.
Why did I even click on it? It's a long story, but the important thing is now I can blog about it! I didn't watch the entire video and I don't suggest that you do unless you want to...it really doesn't matter to me. Perhaps you're lonely or you like chicks who speak like every sentence is in a form of a question??? Yeah? Okay? Now, now I'm not hating. She seems like she may be a nice person, but who really knows. I mean, give her a line of coke and a shot of Jack and she might be capable of nun chucking your ass.
See, the difference between what I do is for one, I blog and you can just press that "X" on the corner of your browser; and two, I would like to believe that I'm kind of entertaining with my self deprecating humour. I tell you that I think I'm hideous so you can awkwardly unwillingly tell me I'm not. Either way, lying makes me happy.
Seriously, though do you guys really have to go through this? Luckily there are things like YouTube and blogging that can relieve you from annoying girl talk. But I'm sure you'll still have to hear about the play by play of the video they recorded on YouTube. I'm sorry, dudes of the world with girlfriends. I'm sorry that you have to hear about some random chick's name that you've never heard of before or how a certain shampoo is better because it's used to make the coats of rats shinier. I'm also sorry that you get reamed out for not looking like you give a damn to this pointless information. I'm sure that Tina's unflattering blouse affects you deeply. Yeah, Tina who? What? Really? My thoughts exactly. Lastly, I know you hear, "Can't you just pretend you're interested?" all the time. What the hell? Pretend? Now they want you to lie to them, but at the same time you have to be completely honest? I don't get it. I really am sorry to the majority of dudes who have to deal with this.
My problem is I hate talking in general. I think alone time if you're not doing it is a complete waste of time , but that's just my inexperience. Plus, I've never done it before...I am pure. I love Jesus and only Jesus. Two hours watching a movie you can watch by yourself while blogging is time well spent. This is why I encourage booty calls. Just give a person a call, do the deed, and return home where you can study, clean, and do all sorts of important things instead of talking. Talking is overrated and communication just makes things worse by bringing on all sorts of unnecessary drama and emotions:

I LOVE YOU
I HATE YOU
I LOVE YOU
I HATE YOU

I think I should be a couples' counsellor. I'd be so good at giving advice and taking sides. I love taking sides.

O-M-G

2009-11-19T00:14:00.000-08:00

Alrighty, could someone PLEASE tell me how and when the phrase "O-M-G" became popular. Why? WHY? WHY!?! It's the most annoying "saying" ever. Yeah, okay, I type it all the time but to actually say the letters? I hate it so much. I hate it more than reading LOL, LMAO and MILF...well, MILF isn't so bad it's funny actually....I encourage that one. I, of course, prefer DILF. I mean, I understand that not everyone can come with something witty to say so there are appropriate use of such acronyms. It's perfectly fine; however, to say the letters O-M-G takes the exact amount of effort to say "oh my god". LOL? Really? Can't you just laugh? Do we really have talk like how we text? I make an effort to type like we speak, but if everyone's speaking like we text then....yeah, I know, I got confused too LOL, OMG! I've mentioned how I hate "tee hee" and "he he" before and I'm going to mention it again. I hate "TEE HEE" and "HE HE". Have you ever heard anyone laugh like that before? It's not cute it's stupid! HE HE my ass. Yeah, you're probably wondering if I'm hormoning much...perhaps...I don't really keep track of my cycle.

Just want to make it clear to the people I actually don't mind that when YOU use such things like, LOL or HE HE then it's perfectly fine. If I hate you, well, then that's a different story. On the other hand, I want to cringe when I hear O-M-G regardless of who you are. I will bite my tongue if you are cool or incredibly good looking though. Since I no longer get drunk (notice how I didn't say DRINKING in general), it's pretty difficult for me to tolerate certain company. Is that a bad thing? Probably! OH well! If I've never hung out with you sober it's kind of a BIG sign that I hate you. Well, I wouldn't go as far as saying that I hate you, but you're much nicer to be around when I've had about 5 or more shots of tequila in me. If I don't feel like getting drunk I pull the "I'm tired" line. Then I go home and jerk off to....wait I'm not a dude. I'll go home and write a blog or something. I use to get really drunk if I was around really good looking dudes, but then I know that when I consume alcohol my face gets all red and puffy then I get all self conscious. Then my drunk brain and the sober part of the brain that's left over start having conversations:

Drunk brain: HA, he so pretty LOL.

Sober brain: shut up! He is a DILF, he is married and has kids!

Drunk brain: OMG it's ok, he's drunk too! No one's judging anyone!

Sober brain: I'm judging you. You better tell him to stop judging you

Grace out loud: STOP JUDGING ME!

Dude: A BUAH?

Drunk brain: Way to ruin the mood LOL!

Sober brain: Wait, you're not supposed to care about anything. The inhibition and insecurity parts come from my side.

Drunk brain: None of this counts! Blame it on the al-al-al-cohol.

Sober brain: You bet it doesn't count because nothing is going to happen you drunk...

Drunk brain: WOOOOOOOOOOO!

Sober brain: Who am I kidding? I really wish I had some of your spunk and spontaneity all the time. It's so difficult being such a prick and worrying about what everyone thinks about me (us).

Drunk brain: Punch that newspaper stand!

Sober brain: Okay, I will! Where did dude go?

Drunk brain: You dragged us out of that situation a LONG time ago LOL! You know what I like about you? U R smart and stupid all at the same time....stupid smart ...STUPID! POOP! If it wasn't for you, we'd be life ruiners. OMG.

Sober brain: Walk home and sleep.

Drunk brain: No, wait! Write on random people's walls first! Oh, comment on a picture on some one's facebook page that you never talk to in real life! It'll be a hoot and so rebellious!

Sober brain: I love you, drunk brain.

Drunk brain: I love........peanut butter! Go eat some! LOL, OMG, TEE HEE.

I don't miss drunk brain. Okay, perhaps I do miss drunk brain a bit. I also miss saturated fat and the capability to talk to really good looking dudes without suffering an anxiety attack. But I like being in my box. It's quite nice in here. Yeah, box.

Right, and that is why I hate O-M-G.

Dating Tips by me, Grace

2009-11-09T20:19:00.000-08:00

You ever wonder what chicks think and do to get ready for a big date? Yeah, me too! I always noticed girls smell nice because they spray stuff on their nipples and what not. OK, I'm not too sure about that. My goal when I go out is just to not stink.

Well, I've decided to reveal some of my personal secrets when it comes to dating...well, the getting ready part and what to say. Yeah, I realize I'm giving away some wicked tips and such and I should really just hog all the advice to myself. What? You're expecting GOOD advice? PSHHH, yeah okay, good luck with that! This, right here, is how to become a successful Grace-like dater. So, here goes!

Rule 1: Always and only wear the blackest, darkest, evil eye shadow. The more hidden your eyes are the better that way the dude can't say something stupid about how pretty your eyes are.

Rule 2: If you do stink naturally the only type of fragrance you can use is the one from your antiperspirant. Just rub it all over your neck and under your boobs. Oh, and if you chaff then in between your thighs would be a good idea too. It's cheaper than some stupid perfume made by some stupid celebrity chick's smell scientist.

Rule 3: Make your eyebrows as high-arced as possible. I know some people just can't shape their eyebrows in such manor, but if you can I say go for it. The high arc makes you look evil, unapproachable, and in some cultures a slut/porn star. I try to go for the "I'm judging you" look. And that's what we want to pull of here.

Rule 4: To ensure you have that "wall" always wear a hoodie; preferably black and always..ALWAYS...have your arms crossed. If you find yourself digging the dude refrain from breaking that wall down. Walls prevent pussy criers and emotional eaters...or it causes all that later on when you cry and binge eat while thinking about all the dates that could have been. But don't worry that won't happen until your next period.

Rule 5: Don't take your jacket off when you eat. This means you're getting comfortable and you don't plan on leaving soon. You want to give the impression that you want to leave and that you hate him and that he's stupid and dumb and stupid and likes his own poo and then he likes smearing the poo on his penis creating a crust so he can pee it off.

Rule 6: Brag about how you can most likely beat him in an arm wrestle, but because you have tendinitis you can't really prove it right now. Brag about how you don't need a man to help you with any hard, physical labour because you're so ripped and you bench press everything...even the couch and the fridge....and usually pile them on top of each other while you bench press them.

Rule 7: Answer everything with a sarcastic tone. Tell the dude you'll sleep with him just to shut him up. Hopefully, you get to sleep with him then when he asks for your number give it to him but let him know you will never answer the phone...like, NEVER. Also, be blunt and say everything he's thinking out loud to make him uncomfortable:

"You're worried about how I'll judge your penis aren't you? Because I already am"

Rule 8: Awkward silences are a must. They create tension and that "I want to cut myself" feeling on both parties.

Rule 9: At the end of the date don't take that offer of the walk or ride home. If they offer those options chances are he might just like you and that's just stupid. Remember that wall? It's there for a reason! You're a pussy!

And there you have it...my dating tips!

Oh, and here's a bonus what not to talk about during a date...

Don't talk about video games, books, writing, and how you hate shopping, small dogs, and anything pink and fluffy. However, be witty because it makes them feel awfully inadequate if they couldn't think about something funny to say first.

You can't help but "Hmmmm" about these folks...

2009-11-06T11:08:00.000-08:00

The "What the F**K are you looking at?" guy!

Imagine, if you will, Granville Street at around 2am: you have your random hook-ups, the many young folk eating their pizza, and then you have that one obnoxious guy angry at the fact that he didn't find a hole to release his "anger" in. This guy will usually find an inanimate object, usually a Georgia Straight news stand, and will punch the heck out of it. Yes, I understand that I've done this many, many, MANY times....heck, I do it sober. However, I'm a chick, it's okay for me to admit I'm too scared to punch an actual human being for the fear of getting attacked back. Okay, so I THINK I'm very capable of some major ass whooping, but THINKING and not actually knowing are completely different things. I also THINK I can make Gerard Butler fall in love with me. See? Crazy! Anyway, dude punching things will always yell the phrase, "What the f**k are you looking at, huh?" Well, tough guy, I'm looking at you; the only guy walking down the street punching new stands. As human beings we are programmed to react to loud noises and, in this case, look at the closest douchebag bringing attention to himself. Let's interpret the meaning of each punch shall we?

Punch 1: I was never loved as a child. I just wanted a pudding pop like everyone else! FU, MOM!

Punch 2: Ow

Punch 3: I'm so tough I'll punch it again even though my hand hurts

Punch 4: Bitch was probably gay anyway!

Punch 5: I'm so glad this isn't an actual human being because I'd be so dead right now!

Punch 6: Omg, this hurts so much but look how tough I am!

The "What the F**K are you looking at?" chick

So instead of the angry drunk dude you have gross, half naked, itchy bum drunk chick. This girl will most likely have a half opened hand bag in one hand and a cell phone in the other. The hours and hours it took for her to get ready to go out really were hours wasted. Oh, and by the way it's in the middle of winter but somehow she's capable of wearing a dress that easily exposes her vagina and I doubt her heels are slip resistant. Anyway, good on her for pulling that outfit off. I mean, if I had the perfect body and was absolutely gorgeous I, too, would wear such attire ALL THE TIME. I'm only belittling such chicks because I'm jealous and I'm sick of being known as the girl with the "good personality". I'm sure that if I, or anyone, sees a girl in this state chances are she's going to be stared at.

Drunk chick: what the F**K are you......sh*t, you're JUZ JEEALOUSSSSS!

Me: Yes, you are correct.

Drunk chick: what are you looking at, huh?

Me: Well, you see, your face is odd because you have mascara smudges on your cheek, you can hardly stand up and I can see your vagina.

Drunk Chick: You're UGLY!

Me: Hey now, I'm just letting you what I'm looking at. You keep asking me what I'm looking at.

Drunk chick: SHUT UP. What are you looking at?

Me: So, uh, do you want me to shut up or tell you, again, what I'm looking at? I'm beginning to think this is a desperate call for attention. May I remind you, your VAGINA is showing. I'm NOT going to NOT look at a vagina. You don't really get to see a walking vagina on the street on a regular basis so I need to cherish this moment.

Drunk Chick: F**K YOU, all of you!

Me: Well, I'm flattered, but I don't really dig chicks, and since I see that you have a vagina I think it might be quite difficult for you to f**k me...ALL OF ME.

*events may or may not have actually taken place. HOPEFULLY it does is the near future"

The "OMG, the club's closing so I must find a lay!" dude

This dude is all too familiar to me. When I do choose to go out I get hit on (yeah, me!); however, it's usually at the end of the night. Like, come on, it's not like I have enough insecurity problems as it is already! Oh, the last man standing thinks I'm beautiful in a dark room and my only competition is the stumbling drunk chick with her vagina showing. Wow, he chose ME over the drunk, exposed vagina! WAIT, that's not the point! Seriously though let's take a look at the hard facts:

1. Dude is highly intoxicated and he hasn't gotten laid in ages.

2. All his friends hooked up with someone and if he's the only one without a boob in hand he'd be laughed at.

3. I'm Asian and, of course, he has a thing for Asians and believes that by telling me I'd somehow find it flattering.

4. Like I said before, the room is dark, alcohol is involved so EVERYONE is beautiful

Now, this was an actual conversation...well, about 5 all mushed into one!

Dude: HEY.

Me: PENIS! (okay, not really) Hi?

Dude: You know, I think you're really pretty

Me: PFFT

Dude: You don't think you're pretty? I think you're pretty

Me: My PFFT wasn't me asking you to tell me, again, that I'm pretty.

Dude: Can I take you home?

Me: Yes, yes you can!

Then we do it. The end.

I was never about being conventional

2009-10-26T15:05:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I know it’s another “uh oh Grace is going crazy again” rants. Let’s take a look at the word “conventional” and right click to the thesaurus, and here’s what you get, conformist, square, predictable, usual…anyway, you get my point. On the other hand I’m not hard partier, risk taking, sex crazed maniac. Let’s say I wasn’t influenced by what society tells me what I and everyone should do. If baby toy dolls weren’t created then girls wouldn’t be brain washed to want to have babies of their own. Some girls are more prone to want to have babies and they’re the ones with child baring hips. I’m looking at my hips and they’re practically non existent. I know that’s not very scientific blah blah blah; again, I never claim to be Ms. Know-it-all, just Ms. HAHA-So-FUNNY. I try to avoid outside influence by secluding myself from television and, well, people. Random things just pop into my head and I start writing so there’s NO way that any of my hypothesis can be proven 100% correct. If I thought that way then I would be just as bad as any passionate religious person out there. Okay, so I’ve developed an unhealthy, pale, pasty complexion with a major case of stress face and I’m down a dress size, but I’m attributing that to my major decrease in iron and my unwillingness to eat. Cry for help? Perhaps, but I don’t want your damn help.

Why is it so important to get married, have kids, and then die? Those very normal things seems like a HUGE distraction especially from growth and intellectual thought. I can easily be accused of going insane because, lately, all I do is think. Every person I’ve told this about wants me to believe I’m depressed and going crazy. It’s like they want to inhibit my thoughts which makes me want to think even more and justify my behaviours. I’m trying to avoid people and media because I’m afraid they’ll pollute my brain and…EVERYONE WANTS ME TO FAIL, but you can’t stop me, and YOU can’t stop me….I’m not the crazy one YOU’RE THE CRAZY ONE! The dark, depths of HELL are the only way of succeeding! Okay, stop freaking out…I’m fine. I just wanted to play that out for a while.

The idea of having a husband, kids, a house, and a boring career has never been appealing to me. It was, at a time, what I THOUGHT I wanted because I was told those are the normal things to achieve. But that word “normal” is just so, well, normal! I’ve always been capable of fitting into a group but I always slightly stuck out by thinking outside of the box. No, I’m not one of those overly artistic, dark poets whose motto is “down with conformism” I’m just an open minded person who believes that there are different ways of doing things. Everything I did was only slightly out of the ordinary. However, I also believe doing something on the other side of the spectrum is just a cry for attention and another way of just joining another norm if you will. I’m just saying there are a lot of rebels out there and now that’s just getting boring too.

Let’s take a look at marriage and love. Marriage is a ridiculous concept. If you live believing your purpose is to find “the one” then you’re only going to concentrate on that one thing and ignore any other purpose you may have. But we all know that there really isn’t an ultimate purpose for life….it’s a meaningless vessel and it’s up to us, individually, to strive or fail during our existence. That’s just the way it is…sorry. Marriage and love is a trick and it suppresses rest of your thought process. Sex produces dopamine which then could be looked like as a drug. It tricks your mind into thinking something you’re not really feeling and it’s only temporary. You get addicted to this feeling and then eventually it consumes you. I’ve been tricked into thinking I liked someone and I can honestly say, I don’t like that feeling; the “coming down” if you will. And that’s usually the case with drugs like ecstasy and cocaine. I like variety and I assume liking different things is a natural human urge. Variety stimulates your brain and prevents it from going stale. If I go to a restaurant I would never order the same thing twice, and I question the character of people who do order the same thing over and over again. I’m not saying that people should go sleep around I’m just saying that it’s not wrong to want to have sexual relations with more than one person. But it’s another thing that we’ve been told was wrong. Marriage is an invitation to temptation. It’s like keeping a cabinet of junk food in the house but locking it up. You know it’s there but you can’t have it. Why even bother having the junk food in the house in the first place? Now, I’m not encouraging people to have extramarital affairs I’m just telling people not to get married, or to just get rid of the idea all together. Use birth control, use protection do the exact opposite of what the Catholic Church preaches. You know all those “marriage is horrible” jokes out there? They’re funny because they’re true. Like all stereotypes, they stem from the truth just like how Chinese drivers can’t drive. Try going to Richmond and tell me that statement isn’t true. Oh, but what about all those long, lasting marriages out there, you ask? Long doesn’t necessarily mean good! Like anything, you can condition your brain to get comfortable with a lot of things. Like me, you could accuse me tricking myself into believing I’m not crazy. I know, all signs points to crazy depressed chick. Then I’ll just throw that “life is meaningless” ploy in your face. I’m not hurting people I just encourage a different type of thought process. Marriage is just another way of allowing potential disappointment. It creates many opportunities to hurt your spouse and to hurt your kids. If you truly believe that getting married IS your own individual purpose then make sure you’re fit for marriage. Make sure you’re capable of following the rules and that perhaps you are the one who “orders the same food time and time again”. Some people just don’t crave variety, I get that, but what I’m saying is some (and more than you think) do crave something different everyday.

Now that my Facebook page is mysteriously “temporarily unavailable” for the last 4 days, I’m beginning to think the internet doesn’t like me posting my so called “brain washing ideas”. I can’t help that I target people who don’t like to read. It’s because I write like how most people speak. It pays to not write “smart”. So, if you would be so kind by copying this link and pasting it on whatever page you have that would be great. If you’re Christian God wants you to. If you’re a Devil worshipper then, uh, the Devil wants you to promote my page. If you don’t believe in God or the Devil then the molecular forces of matter wants you to and He-man too. He-man wants you to so, how can you say no to He-man?

OOH SOooo CONTROVERSIAL! God, Jesus, and The Secret

2009-10-23T18:39:00.000-07:00

First of all I’d like to say that the person who said never to talk about religion or politics was probably a born again Christian Republican. Oh, I know there are going to be people accusing me of writing something so controversial, but really read my other blogs this is probably quite tame compared to my other thoughts. Why is this topic even considered controversial anyway? Is it because a lot of close minded people are going be upset? No one will get physically hurt. I LOVE religious debate because I noticed that when a religious person repeatedly shakes their head and says “no” you know you’ve hit a nerve. I’m not saying that what I believe in is certain and I think religious people (more particularly Christians) should obtain such rationalism. Now, I just watched “Religulous” with Bill Maher and a lot of what he mentioned in that brilliant and hilarious documentary was what I was trying to tell my mom. I’d like to mention that I watched the documentary AFTER the very pointless conversation with my mother. I noticed a lot of Christians judge and say “no, that’s just the way it is; you’re wrong blah blah blah”. They might as well stick out their tongues and follow it with “so there!” They don’t follow ANYTHING with a valid explanation. My thing is I don’t agree with a religion that suppresses thought and ignores any sort of other reasoning of the creation of our universe. It’s like telling everyone they have to eat their steak rare and their eggs soft all the time and that they’re personal preference is unacceptable. Like, really, you’re stupid, but you probably think WE’RE the stupid ones. Like it or not things change, people EVOLVE; information can be incorrect. We all thought at one point, that the earth was flat, that the sun revolved around the earth, and that the gravitational force was a ridiculous concept. All that was false information and everyday we’re discovering something new like, new planets, a new diet plan (I decided to stick with something I know). I was watching clips of the Frugal Gourmet and he was so sure that his biscuits with sausage gravy was a healthy and nutritious meal. That’s probably why he’s dead, he was wrong! Being wrong isn’t a bad thing it just makes us learn and grow intellectually. That would explain why many religious folk you meet down south are mentally stunted. If you think you’re always right your willingness to improve and learn dies. Why is your opinion more valid anyway? Prove it!

Another thing that religious people do is argue by belittling and by insulting: stating we’re not wise, and we’re blind. When you resort to name calling I know it’s because you don’t know what else to say. It’s like that kid in the playground who knows he’s wrong but won’t accept it so he’ll throw dirt in your face. Ok, so my face is dirty but you’re still not right. If I ever have a religious debate with a person I would never claim I’m right; I just make it my goal to prove why I would never believe in Christianity or any other religion. Oh, and if you’re the type who says “this isn’t about religion it’s about the way of life” I would like to say no, you’re wrong. You’re very, very wrong. The way of life is completely relative which is what I’m trying to tell these Christian folk. When I tried explaining this to my mom she just kept saying over and over, “It’s not about religion it’s about God and letting things go and deceit”. I didn’t really understand where she was going with this. She asked me how I described her to my friends and I told her that I tell the truth that at 14, she left the family to have a fling with a German man she met on the train she was working on. By that time she was already a born again Christian. More so, prior to this incident, she wasn’t ever home. Now, how was that for shock value? It was great. She went to say that I was being deceived by the devil. I then went on to say that actually, it was the complete opposite. I stated the truth I wasn’t deceiving. I asked her if she did not do any of those things and she confirmed her past actions. I then asked her if she knew what “deceive” meant, because she kept saying it randomly. I wanted to say that for so long and for 12 and half years I held a lot in. This feeling of letting her know how I really felt was better than forgiving her. Forgiveness is overrated and I highly discourage it. Forgiveness gives the person at fault that feeling of ease. Why would you want to do that? One can argue that forgiveness is a way of achieving self peace. Uhm, I’m going to have to say for me, personally, forgiveness in certain situations will not put me at ease. I told my mom that I would never forgive her and when she asked why I asked her “what will make you happy?” She responded with “if you’re happy”. I said the only way I would be happy was to know that she would that I would never forgive her. For this first time in my 26 years of existence she couldn’t say anything. I also mentioned that she never tell me she prays for me. Why in the world does any Christian have to pray for me? I do not need that fear of the devil to prevent me from doing bad things I’m just a stronger person than they are. She went on to say that devil was making me say these things. Ok, well, if that’s what you want to call a brain then my brain will now be referred to as “The Devil.” My beliefs are if you do something sh*tty then you’re going to have to suffer some repercussions….a logical person’s version of “hell”, but you won’t have to wait till death to be punished. I could never believe in a God that is willing to save people who have molested, killed, and raped because they found Him. It’s like a power trip thing. And to know that I’ll be spending eternity with my mom I’d, well, couldn’t kill myself, I’d be pissed…eternally. If there is a heaven and I’m refused entrance because I didn’t believe in God and Jesus then I don’t even want to go there.

Modesty and open mindedness are lost traits especially in religion. We can only believe in one God and one idea even if the information is completely absurd because God thinks he is SO effing fantastic. Anything that threatens his power he kills or sends to hell. I like how Christianity also invented purgatory for those of us who don’t believe in a heaven or hell. Purgatory is supposed to be worse than hell and you get to spend your afterlife there just for the fact that you don’t believe in Christianity; now that is a huge JERK move if you ask me. You could have lived a clean, good life and still go to purgatory! That’s so dumb! I say I’m a bitter person, but to be in purgatory and then watching all those really bad people in hell not suffering as much as you are, you’re going to be beyond bitter. Where is the logic in that, God? Oh right, there is no such thing as a logical Christian.

The familiar case you tend to find is that people who are lost or have ended up at an all time low turn to Jesus. So, in turn, they make a change for the better. This is absolutely fine. However, why are these people giving all the credit to God and Jesus for their new found life? They didn’t help you, you helped yourself. Isn’t that a better feeling? You finally got off your ass and did something with your life! This philosophy of thinking more positively reminds me of “The Secret”. For those of you who haven’t read “The Secret” or watched the DVD it’s a brilliant marketing scheme probably also brought on by ex-preachers/ Christians. I describe “The Secret” as the Bible for Atheists or Agonists. “The Secret” uses science to target anti-Jesus people like me. It’s more difficult to argue science so it works. I respect the idea of “The Secret” because it’s clever and logical. The Secret is something we all already know: anything is possible with positive motivation. We have to be reminded on a daily basis what that motivation is and we can condition our minds to move forward. Yes, it keeps talking about how we’re all made out of molecules and that we all have a magnetic pull which is all very true, but all that is stated just to “sell the idea”. So let’s say, miraculously, Christianity and other religions are demolished because everyone really liked “The Secret”. It’s just another vice. However, it may not be a bad thing to adopt since “The Secret” doesn’t have any stories of a Virgin giving birth and anything that doesn’t get achieved by using “The Secret” can be explained by saying that what you wanted was only something you WISHED and not truly wanted. It’s a smart concept! “The Secret” targets a much broader audience and the guy who wrote about it is laughing all the way to the bank. This makes me think “The Secret” must be connected with the Church. I smell a conspiracy coming on! Evil and negativity is a strong trait and being able to manipulate and control is very evil. Look at all the followers bowing down to a certain God and talking in tongue and praying it’s a very scary and bizarre image. If there was a good against evil afterlife then Evil has won. Evil can turn itself into many forms to attract more followers. Like in X-men the shift shaper is bloody mean! The bad guy is winning and he finally got non Christians by creating the so called “Secret”. Mr. Evil dude has monopolized by disguising himself in all forms of gods. This is a good movie don’t you think? Imagine if you will a guy in a big leather chair behind a big desk with a whole bunch of screens with images of Earth. He creates a North American God, an Asian God or Gods, a few Middle Eastern Gods and makes them all against each other. He finally reached all but one niche and that is the non-God believers so he creates “The Secret” and then I come along, break into his office and beat the crap out of him. I all of a sudden get a power trip, turn evil myself, then I get my epiphany that I’m just as bad as Mr. Evil Man and it turns out we’re just a spec in a test tube dish as the camera zooms out and the credits start rolling.

Oh, and one last thing I must touch on is homosexuality. I am an avid believer that homosexuality is a natural occurrence in nature. I know because my dog is a lesbian. Christians argue that there is a reason why girls have vaginas and boys have penises and that is to have babies….not sex, but babies. What happens when people continue to reproduce? Over population which leads to a rapid destruction of our planet. People, us, are the reason why the world may be ending. Catholics are against the use of birth control, no birth control means more babies, and more babies mean more of our resources being used up and our climate changes. Isn’t that ironic since Christianity uses the end of the world as a fear tactic to encourage more believers yet you’re not allowed to use a condom!?!? The only thing that can stop over population are homosexuals. Their purpose is to control population. This, of course, is another Grace thought but I think it’s pretty cool…obviously. Less people will mean more resources for everyone, decreased patterns of global warming, and finally no reason for the world to spontaneously explode. Then what does this mean? People won’t have to turn to a higher power anymore and the Church will finally lose its purpose and supremacy. Isn’t this all making sense now? Think about it you rarely ever see homosexuals going on killing sprees or partaking in mass suicides. They aren’t the ones killing they’re usually the ones getting killed. I’ve never met an evil gay person. Gay people are colourful rainbows for a reason and they encourage love and pretty things and all that stuff. And who do you seeing on the side lines of a gay pride parade yelling and screaming obscenities? Christians, that’s who! It’s a very backwards society we live in. It’s always known that genuinely good people are hard to find that’s why they’re so cherished that would explain why the majority of the population believes in some sort of God. “Good” wouldn’t be looked at so highly upon if it was so frequent; it has to be appreciated and not be taken for granted.

Remember, I’m just a cook who wrote WAY too much, but wish y’all did read what I had to say. Now please send a cheque to my apartment if you support my beliefs in Gracism.

I still want to touch on the topic of abortion and why the stupid out weigh the not so stupid.

Am I for realz???

2009-10-02T00:52:00.000-07:00

Ok, so a few of you (who ever you are and where are you all coming from?) have asked me if I was for real. What does that even mean? No, I’m completely fake, a figment of your imagination, an entity of some sorts, a really talented ghost who can use a computer and is able to type and watch videos on youtube. I’m not going to say I’m hating this whole “explain yourself” thing because it somewhat makes me seem important. I’ll pretend to be annoyed by the fact that I have to let you know who I really am so I’ll throw in a few “ughs” and “hmmmphs” and long deep sighs..

“GAAAD, really? Like, why do you have know who I am what I’m really about UGH?! Why would you even assume I’m a robot/man?”

(There are people who are actually interested in me? I finally feel rad and important and the thought of smothering myself with my pillow is slowly leaving! WEEE!)

Most common message I receive is, “you’re really cool and funny, but are you for real? If so, we should hang out.”

Unfortunately, I am for real. Yeah, I said UNFORTUNATELY…think about it! First of all, someone who has all this time to just write obviously isn’t that cool. I recently just quit my job as a chef of 5 years and for the first time I’m unemployed with no real direction. This is a first sign of depression. I tell everyone I’m going into semi-retirement but really, I’m burnt out because, unlike, most chicks I don’t talk about my problems to the point where I just drive myself insane. Seriously, though I think not working is something I need to do right now so I can just write all day long. I totally could do this forever even though my back is killing me and my eyes are hurting from the light of my ginormous computer screen.

Right, thank you for thinking that I’m cool and funny. Sometimes, I wonder where I come up with my shit. I really don’t know. I am sure that when I directly ask for ideas from people I automatically sneer and think they’re stupid then one day as I’m washing my hair or taking a poop I think about what that person said and think “oh, well, that’s not bad after all!” I actually feed off of other people’s inadequacies and screw ups….obviously.

So, you want to hang out with me? I’m not nearly as fun as I am in person. Well, it depends. If I’m not digging you then I’ll fake being boring. Truth is I don’t really want to hang out with you. Why would I want to meet strangers everyday? It’s really scary! Strangers are scary and weird. I use my career as an excuse for not having enough time or energy to hang out with people. However, in a week’s time I can’t use that excuse anymore since I’ll be jobless. It’s true! I actually just slept all day today because I worked for seven days straight (I’m a pussy like that). I ate a rotisserie chicken from Super Value and I slept and if it wasn’t for my bladder and waking up to messages like “wow you’re cool are you for real?” I’d be sleeping still! I usually spend my spare time at the gym and I didn’t even do that today. I am willing to make new friends and such, but it takes a lot to impress me. Plus, I’m a hermit. I am perfectly fine alone and don’t really need company. I am a middle child and only seek attention through the vast world of the internet. On the other hand if I keep refusing to meet you it’s because I got to know you and I realized that I really don’t want to meet you because you’re weird. Stop sending me links and messages that I don’t care about you psycho!--unless they're of disturbing and hilarious images. Honestly, you’re freaking me out a little bit, no wait, a lot. I don’t dig poetry, hip/hop or your requests to do me. I’m going to have to let you know you’re an odd, odd terrifying person.

So, how do I explain my really good personality? Well, former fat girl syndrome of course! I’m still fat *up here* and around my mid section and not to mention my inner thighs and blah blah blah. I could go on forever. I blame my psychological problems on my grandfather who once pulled me aside telling me that I was really fat and ugly and I could never find a boyfriend if I continued my path of ugliness. Well, I lost the weight and yes, I’m still single! That shows you, grandpa! You’re wrong. The reason why I’m single isn’t due to my physical handicaps but it’s because of my neurological defects.

Dudes think I’m cool because I always side with penises. I didn’t grow up with a strong, positive female influence so my respect for other vaginas is non existent. Don’t blame me for my beliefs blame my mom and porn. Due to this phenomenon, I can say things about chicks that I can only get away with! High five?

Okay, so I hope you know more about me. I have a way with writing a lot but not divulging the specifics. With that said here are specifics: I don’t appreciate flowers, anniversaries, babies, handbags, shoes, and decorative things. I get drunk off of 2 drinks and I absolutely love red meat, but I am also a fan of vegetarian cuisine. I need a roommate and a business partner to start a youtube channel with, and I hate small talk. Like, I really, really hate it. If I don’t know you, I don’t feel the need to ask you how your day was because I don’t care. If you are a friend of mine you will be part of my entourage for life. If you use screw me over [ I don't know what "use screw me over" is either...it's just a thing I invented] I’ll will NOT forgive or forget. You’re completely cut out of my Grace world…that’s how I roll. On the other side of the spectrum, I’m extremely selfless (only to my closest friends, duh). I will make an excellent body guard so you can sing “I will always love you” to me. I will take that bullet for you…yeah, man. I love you, man.

Why I shouldn't have babies

2009-10-01T16:39:00.000-07:00

So, I’m looking at the ‘Army & Navy’ flyer and I’m totally digging the male model they have featured in there. I like how they have only one female and one male model to use over and over again. At first I thought, twins then triplets then quadruplets then when I reached octopulets I finally realized they were the same person. Ok, so these people are rather good looking people and I’m sure they tell people that they’re professional models and such. However, I wonder if they ever bring their flyer ads to parties to show off their work.

“So, yeah, check this out this is totally me and that one too…oh, and don’t forget THAT one!”

Yes, it’s true, they’re models and that’s where their type usually start…in “Army & Navy” fliers and then eventually move on up to Sears catalogs.

Alrighty, so this whole ‘Army & Navy’ flyer and a conversation with a friend about sex and/or punching things got me thinking about babies and how I should never have one. How? I have no idea, but I’d like to thank the person for such inspiration since I’ve been getting a lot of requests for my next blog. Mind you, it’s a lot of requests from one person. It’s still something right? RIGHT??? Tell me I’m right and that you love me! No, go away, don’t touch me! You’re smothering me! NO, wait hold me!

Anyway, there are many reasons why I shouldn’t breed. I just want to inform you that it’s not that I CAN’T reproduce; I’m pretty sure that I’m extremely fertile. I mean, my dad comes from a family of 2 million and he’s still going and my mom comes from a slightly smaller family of 250 000.

Reason 1: I encourage all types of profanity

Swearing is cute when kids do it. I dig it. I don’t even think kids/babies are worth looking at, but when they’re all “f**k you, a$$hole” it’s the best thing ever. It’s like all the innocents you seek when you want to be around kids are immediately erased, and it gives me hope that our world won’t be filled with pathetic pussies who flinch when you fake punch them, and then tell them things like, “don’t be such a baby!” This brings me back to when I was four and I was kicked out of a house by calling my friend a “dumb f**k”. I don’t know what "f**k" meant. I heard it when I watched the terminator the night before. I added the word “dumb” because even at four I was clever to make things my own. I would like to assume that the parents who did kick me out thought it was most adorable thing they have ever witnessed. If they didn't then I think they're screwed up...like, really, really screwed up.

I started something that day. Have you even been a room full of four year olds saying “Grace said f**k, Grace said f**k!” I’m pretty sure it’s my fault that those girls, today, are probably crack whores in the downtown eastside. I like to think I’m a contributing factor to that due to the “f” word and only the “f” word.

Reason 2: The Television is a great baby sitter

Baby’s crying? No problem, just turn the volume up! I was raised by television. Enough said.

Reason 3: It’ll have to be NOT ugly

I know that with my choice in men chances are my babies won’t be ugly. What do non ugly babies mean? Pageants! I have no problem exploiting my own flesh and blood. I’ll make them watch hours of R-rated movies to toughen them up then follow it with a choreographed song and dance routine while memorizing all words in the English, French, and German dictionary so I can enter them in international spelling bees as well; then they’ll be featured on hit documentaries about non physical child abuse. I’ll be so effing rich.

If I do end up having an ugly baby I’ll blame it for its no purpose existence and tell it that even on the night of conception there was no desire to have its sperm self swim up to my egg and enter it.

Reason 4: I’ll have one out of spite

If you really think it’s not a good idea that I have a baby then I’ll have one. Yeah, just to piss you off!

Reason 5: Your baby needs a bully

If I know you and your partner are genetically doomed to have a loser kid I’ll have one just so my baby can make fun of your baby. Since my baby will be tough, emotionless, and so unbelievably talented in every way it is its duty to make your baby feel as inadequate as possible. If it wasn’t for made up babies like mine there would be no emos/cutters/ trench coat wearing poets out there.

Well, there you have it. I think I’m going to make myself a baby! Who wants to help?

Why? (Part 1)

2009-09-20T03:30:00.000-07:00

Everyone asks why! Why? I don’t know. Especially when the answer isn’t what they want to hear and they get all sad and depressed about it or even worse they get mad about it because the truth hurts. Oh boo hoo. Oddly enough, I get the same way too, but it’s totally justified when I have a temper tantrum. Alright then, since I have major writer’s block and can’t think of a specific subject I’m just going to throw out a bunch of why questions and I’ll try my best to answer them. Why? Because I can…and I can’t sleep.

Why is that some people can get away with sh*t and others can’t? And that some people are more liked than others? Well, it all has something to do with double standards and good genes. Some people are just born charming and are able to manipulate and just don’t give off that whole annoying vibe. The people who are capable of getting away with murder are usually pretty humble and don’t expect to get away with murder it just happens. Like, really, they can just murder and murder some more and people will think it’s funny! Example:

Cop: Whoa, did you just kill that guy?
Dude: Yeah, it’s not a big deal
Cop: Ha, high five!

Then enter not so charming dude with bad genes

Cop: Whoa, did you just kill that guy next to the dead guy that cool dude just killed?
Not cool dude: Yeah, high five?
Cop: Not cool, man.

The cool dude must have really done something right in his past life or something. These people are usually really fun to hang out with but the catch is they don’t want to hang out with you. In fact, the more you want to hang out with these people the more you’ll repel them. I know what you’re thinking and that is the whole being symmetrical thing. Or, in other words, they’re very attractive people and usually pretty people do have it somewhat easier than others; it’s safe to say it’s not always the case. Of course if you’re incredibly good looking and you also fall into this category of “I can get away with anything” then wow, I want to be you or on you. However, the only enemies you are going to have are the ones who try so hard to be loved… (you know the type, they’re really annoying and seek approval constantly and you want nothing more than to stuff really large marbles up their nostrils). Okay, perhaps you can think of something meaner. These people can be in the form of a super model. There are some very good looking people out there I can’t stand. No, it’s not because they’re better looking than I am. I mean, yeah, I’m pretty superficial; however, being stupid is my biggest fear, uh, next to porcelain dolls, and being trapped in a Bob Ross painting. See, if I said that one of my fears was “being disliked” then I’d fall into the “annoying vibe” category. It doesn’t work that way! If you need to be loved then people are going to hate you. Trust me, I know. I have a PhD in absolutely nothing. I watched a lot of TV growing up if that counts for anything.

This brings up another good “why” question. Why do some people feel the need to know why they’re hated? Does it really matter? I guess I have no problems with burning bridges I’m also extremely good with moving on. To be asked “why do you hate me” is pretty awkward. Well, if I told you the truth you’d just end up hating me. If you do end up hating me I’ll wait ten years to ask you,

“Hey, remember the time you asked me why I hated you then I told you, then you got mad and started to hate me? Why did you ask me why you hated me if you knew this whole situation was going to happen ten years later?”

Seriously? Really? If I thought someone hated me I would assume they have issues. I mean, it’s easier to admit other people’s psychological deficiencies rather than to admit that I’m not likable. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand “hate” is a strong word, but that shit’s all relative. Poo could be a strong word to some, but to me it’s funny.

So….Why are YOU so hated (by me)?

You’re stubborn, stupid, and unappreciative.
You don’t appreciate that you have a lot going for you yet you complain constantly about not having enough money for stupid things like drugs, porn, and more drugs? Porn, you can totally get for free! There are a lot of little things you can do to get out of a rut. I hated myself for a very, very, very long time because (if you think I complain now rewind a few years back), I was that person who was supposedly sad and blah blah blah!

You’re a MEGA hypocrite!
Yes, I am fan of hypocrisy, unless you totally abuse it. I know, you’re totally confused right now. Just read the beginning part of the blog about how some people can get away with things and such. Anyway, to be more specific if you’re going to criticize everyone else’s life just take a look at yours first. We are guilty of this nature, but to be aware that you fall into this category means you’re not as bad as the rest. Yes, you’re good at pointing out that that person’s boyfriend/girlfriend is atrocious and so on and so forth; however, your love life hasn’t been picture perfect as well. In this kind of situation I usually take a step back and observe and analyze to hypothesize my own reason for such criticism. You’re completely inadequate in every other aspect of your life. So, I’ll just let you continue bitching and complaining because you need that funny, fuzzy, happy feeling to happen on the inside.

You smother.
You also over compliment and are a complete ass kisser. Okay, praise and positive comments are cool once in a while, but it gets annoying after the hundredth time. Understand that I may not want to hang out with you every single day and that after a long day at work I just want to go home and type. Again, if you fall in the cool person gene pool then you can come over anytime you want and you can also comment on how much you like my blogs as many times as you want.

You’re super duper Asian (more specifically, Oriental)
^__^ -- seriously, what is that? Why do you feel the need to be white so you carry an umbrella when the suns out? I know it’s not about UV protection, and if it, is there’s this thing call sun block and it can go as high as SPF 100! Yeah, 100! Visors, “V” signs, the need to open your eyes super wide in every photo because you’re ashamed of your small, slanty eyes (which is so ironic), is completely frowned upon…by me. Oh and to complain that you’re fat just so you can get the “you’re not fat” response will result in me telling you that, indeed, you should lose weight. Then you have the slow walking, not being able to sense anything around you, smaller field of vision folk as well

You use LOL, OMG, ROTFL and other stupid abbreviations that take me longer to type out than the actual phrase.
Oh, and how can I forget IC? IC U R S (stupid). Yeah, S!

You think you’re the coolest, smartest person, yet you have nothing to show for it.
Here is some advice. Be like me and admit you’re not perfect then you’ll have a reason to push yourself to be better. You don’t even know when to use you’re and your properly and you’re really, really ugly.

You're so positive about absolutely everything! *HAPPY FACE HAPPY FACE HAPPY FACE!*

You think everything is just a bowl of sunshine and you're super confident about everything. Wow, I bet you're disappointed a lot of the time aren't you? This kind of attitude sets you up good for failure because, it's inevitable that you're going to lose! It's fine to be that way about your own life, but just like pushing Jesus on to me, pushing a pocket full of positivity pills will make me want to punch you. Of course, you'll think it's the most wonderful thing to have happen to you though since every thing's coming up roses! TEE HEE!

So there you have it. Part 1 of my pointless “Why” series. I know, you didn’t really come out of this wiser. I probably made you more confused, but with that said I don’t care! Start a blog and complain about it! Cut yourself? Write a song? Just don’t cry about it, you pussy!

Oh right…I’m not done! I’ll hate you if you take a picture of yourself using a mirror. Why are you doing that? Go away!

End Scene

What girls really mean while conversing in a washroom/locker/ weird girl get together thing

2009-09-20T00:25:00.000-07:00

Now, I'm a chick but I'm not about small talk especially when I'm in a washroom or, yeah, in a stall doing my thang. I do, however, like listening to conversations between gals and then I like trying to interpret what they really mean. Now, I've been accused of siding with dudes and being ashamed of being a chick. No accusations are necessary because it's absolutely true. Besides for a few exceptions until chicks become less crazy as a whole I'm going to want to be a dude..minus the whole wanting to do chicks thing...not that if I actually did turn into a dude one day that I'd want to be gay..like, if I was re-incarnated into a dude in my next life I would wanna bang chicks all day..not that there's anything wrong with being gay it's just it would defeat the purpose of me wanting to change genders. Yes, I'm f***ed up! But my closest friends understand my deep psychological issues and to you I say...YOU ROCK!
So, on that note let's play "imaginary hypothetical conversation between 2 normal chicks and me..an innocent bystander who happens to be at the wrong place at the wrong time and all I want to do is pee". Under each line would be my "translation" of some sort..you get my drift? OK, let's go!

Enter chick 1 (Gipple), chick 2 (Deloris)

Gipple: Hey, Deloris how's it going? *EFF YOU*
Deloris: What's going on, girlfriend? *EFF you, too*
Gipple: OMG, I need a tan *omg YOU need a tan*
Deloris: Why? You look great! *yeah, you need a tan, biOTCHuh! I hate you I hate you I hate you
Gipple: Oh please, I look so fat *I know I don't look fat, I just need someone to actually tell me that. Tell me that I'm not fat and that I don't need a tan*--I still hate you
Deloris: Girl, you look hot. You look TOO hot. *you're hideous and I'm only saying you're hot so you can tell me I'm hot back*
Gipple: Pffft, if only. *Why did my parents name me Gipple?*

ENTER ME (GRACE)

Grace: (says nothing) *oh god, please don't say anything to me I just want to pee*
Gip and Del: Hey!!! *meanest person ever, must get her to like us*
Grace: Oh, uh, hey *I don't know your names*
Gipple: I really like your hair, is it naturally straight? *EFF asian hair!*
Grace: Uh, sure * does me having straight hair really matter? Talk amongst yourselves*
Deloris: So, Grace (BLAH BLAH BBLAHHHHH..gurrggle gurgle) *I hate her so much that I'm going to be SUPER nice to her*
Grace: Oh yeah? *what?*
GRACE GOES INTO STALL and PEES. Gipple goes into the next stall
Gipple: Oh gaaaad, ouch. SIGH *I'm really the prettiest one here just look at my perfect vagina*
Grace: PSSSSS*really can't you just think inside your head? What do you expect me to say, this is a very awkward situation both our pants are down and urine is shooting out of our private areas*
Gipple: Well, that's just odd! *SAY SOMETHING, Grace! I need your attention!!!*
Grace: FLUSH *I don't even WANT to know what the HELL is happening in the stall next to me shut up, shut up, shut UPPPPUH!*
Deloris: Oh no, Grace my lip gloss is almost out! *my sexy lip gloss hides my low IQ*
Grace: I guess it's time to buy more! * really?*
Deloris: I just don't want to spend another 50 bucks on lip gloss! *Yeah, i'm so rad I buy really expensive things and such...love me!*
Grace: Then don't? *shoot me*
Gipple: Doesn't Deloris look hot? * I know that the lip gloss is really ugly but if I tell her to keep using it she'll retain the ugliess and I'll be able to steal her boyfriend!*
Deloris: SHUT UP, you're too much! HEE HEE *Grace will totally steal my boyfriend!*
Grace: So, uh, yeah..I'm going to go * Mmmm...hotdog with mustard here I come!

Raddest conversation

2009-09-17T02:37:00.000-07:00

So, I was at Doolins. I hate Doolins. I hate the Granville strip all together, yet I go there for great conversations suchas the one I'm about to type out. I'm drunk right now! I'm looking around and thank goodness I'm alone and blogging. Do you not understand the significance of the situation? I'm ALONE!

Right..there where a whole bunch of people no pants on and, I sh*t you not, there were some people who should have really kept their pants on. It doesn't really leave much to the imagination. Chicks, you shouldn't be wearing something so small. Yeah, I know...dudes love the cooch popping out a bit, but trust me, it wasn't good. And dudes...really...if you're going to wear revealing boxers, make sure you have something to reveal.

So on to the best conversation ever between dude(s) and me.

Dude: so do you wanna dance?
Me: What?
Dude: DO YOU WANT TO DANCE?
Me: I'm not drunk enough (i was wasted and still am)
Dude: OH
Me: Let me get a few more drinks and perhaps you'll look more desirable
Dude: *walks away*

So perhaps this wasn't one of my best clubby conversation. The poor dude was desperate and he chose me. WOW.

So you want to become a chef?

2009-09-15T19:56:00.000-07:00

Thinking about becoming a chef? Really? Why? Oh, because you saw that cool celebrity chef on television and thought, I could do that! Yeah, you probably could. I want to be that cool celebrity chef on TV too! If you really like to cook and entertain for your guests and be creative and all that stupid shit then don’t become a chef. Yeah, I said it. Well, I guess don’t be stuck being a line cook for the rest of your life. You’re not going to be creative you’re going to be on an assembly line cooking the food that other people have created. Line cooking is fantastic to learn and cooks everywhere should develop that skill till they can do it with their eyes closed. But don’t close your eyes, you’ll die or burn yourself really badly.

Were you a poor student during high school and had no direction so your parents just forced you to attend culinary school? If so, you can go die now. Enter no passion, no skills, no desire to do anything dude and there you have the moron that is present in almost every kitchen. You, my good sir or madam, are only good for entertainment purposes. As in, you give me something to write about. Sure, you cook for fun on occasion, yet you lack knife and organizational skills. You can certainly learn all that crap (important crap nonetheless). However, it’s important to understand WHY you have to brown or sear things first, or why you add ingredients in a certain order. Do you know why? Cooking is a simple science. If you paid any attention during science 8-10 then you should have the potential to be an excellent chef. A professional cook is capable to produce an end product when given a bunch of ingredients and will know what to do with them without a recipe. This is just my opinion, however. It’s a rather good opinion don’t you think?

I suggest if you are truly interested in this soul draining, yet somewhat satisfying career, you should check out every single season of Alton Brown’s “Good Eats”. As a teenager, I religiously watched his shows and this was before I even knew I wanted to become a chef. Of course, my friends thought he was boring and geeky and blah blah blah. On the other hand, if more of your ignorant young cooks out there watch and actually absorb the basic culinary knowledge he spreads then I might have no one to belittle at work. There will no longer be the “I’m sorry” guy who constantly screws everything up and eats nuts and bolts for dinner. What a knob/tool/idiot! Of course he thinks he’s fantastic and not a screw up. He lies in the “I can point out everyone else's faults but my own” category.

Don’t expect to learn everything in a culinary arts program. You’re not. As I strut around, and spy on the future chefs of tomorrow I think to myself, “Damn, we’re screwed.” The competition is harsh out there, and since I’m losing my passion you can totally take my place. Yeah, I said it. Unless someone offers me a television show then I’ll miraculously retain my love for cooking the same shite every single day. Man, my brain is bored. Oh well, there are thousands of potential cooks out there but most of them won’t last very long. Hmm..sounds like a young lad I once knew.

Seriously, I think I’m ruined…in more ways than one, but in this case, I’m ruined more so in the culinary world. As a cook I find myself not to be easily impressed anymore. Well, I’m already pretty difficult to impress. I just really don’t care about anything like what you bought yesterday, or that you had your hair done…blah blah blah yet again. I’m reading “youtube” comments made by the common folk (the non cooks out there) after watching a spaghetti and meat sauce episode of “Good Eats” and I want to be wowed by something so simple like the way they have been wowed. I just think, “big deal, it’s spaghetti and meat sauce”. I can’t enjoy food anymore so I shovel it down and hardly appreciate anything. What an effing Debbie Downer I am. Not to say you shouldn’t learn the proper way of making spaghetti and meat sauce or spaghetti Bolognese. It’s a good episode so check it out, stupid.

I know, I could get into the whole molecular gastronomy thing, but then that’s a little too pretentious for me. Ice cold then hot with gelee goop noodles of essence of some type of fruit. Yeah, it’s cool stuff but food in its natural form is good and less expensive. You get a whole bunch of oooohs and ahhhs but if you really think about it, and actually break it down it’s actually kind of ridiculous. You’re paying 500 dollars to eat something out of a test tube that tastes like something that grows out of the ground that originally costs a few cents. And you know, once you figure out how to incorporate the chemicals properly you’re back to the whole being bored phase.

My marriage to this career is falling apart and I can’t stay in it for the kids anymore. I need a break and hopefully I’ll regain my love for cooking again. I blame the stupid kids who chose this career out of desperation ruining it for the truly passionate. That, and I’m always so tired and I’m natural stress case who suppresses anything so I let it all build up and become bitter. I guess this is life, folks. It doesn’t matter what you chose to do, you’re going to be doomed either way.

The End.

No Drama? Pffft, yeah right and I think my boobs are perfect just the way they are.

2009-09-08T22:02:00.000-07:00

Truth is we’re all two faced and we all do crave drama…to varying degrees of course. Just like the whole “gay scale” thing. Some lean more towards either the gay or straight side. I’m such the scientist because I use scales and such!

You know how everyone claims that they don’t like playing games or that they don’t like drama and so on so forth? Well, there are a few genuine attention craving drama queens out there usually in the form of a very out of the closet gay man or a chick with hair extensions and daddy issues. You know the type, right? I hope! They usually say stupid things:
“Am I hot? Tell me I’m hot! UGH, I’m so ugly. Reassure me that I’m not UGLY! Why do you think I’m ugly!?!
“NUH UH, oh no you didn’t!”—usually just said to random people minding their own business
“Oh my gaad, I’m think I’m going to die!”—I always want some dumb dramatic broad to say that to someone with a terminal disease. My favourite response to this quote is
“Alright, then what are you waiting for? Go die!”

Really though, we all love drama. You may not even know it and after reading this you’ll realize that you are just as crazy as everyone else! The thing is it’s the type of drama we crave that makes us all different. I crave drama through the security of the internet and through my writing. This blog, for example, is a way of causing drama with my words and views. I’m pretty sure I’ve offended gay people, Christian people, stupid people, ignorant people, and people who like cats. If, in fact, these people choose to argue with me I’ll end up winning because, like I stated previously, this kind of internet drama is what I crave. I’m the bigger person for admitting this. Yeah, so there!

I’m also a huge fan of causing awkward drama. How can I make someone so awkward that it’s entertaining to not only me but everyone else around me? This is why my I actually enjoy waiting in lines at clubs. It’s usually a hit or miss though. The majority of the time I am capable of making a crowd laugh, some of the time I have to duck a punch. But it’s okay because then I can blog about it later! I use to wait until a dude tried to hit on me to use my famous lines of “I’m post-op, I hope you’re fine with that”, or “I’m a virgin, but you can de-flower me tonight if you’re willing to be with me forever”. That just got old, well in my head at least. Now, I just say these lines to whom ever I’m standing next to. Oh, and the whole “I just got off the boat and it’s my first day in Canada and I’m looking for a husband”…that’s a winner too.

This kind of drama is justified because well, it’s the kind that I like and since this is my blog, I shouldn’t be judged for it!

Of course there are the other types of drama people don’t want to be caught in like, crying, faking sick, wining, nagging, more crying, and temper tantrums (by chicks). However, to witness these scenarios as a third party is highly entertaining. Oh, and I can’t forget dudes who crave drama too!

“What the hell were you looking at, buddy? You want my fist in yo face?” (Oh god, I’m going to die!)

“Were you just staring at my girlfriend’s ass? Do you want me to cut you?” (Man, your wife has a nice rack)

You know, you don’t have to fight all the time. I know you’re insecure and paranoid and have many, many complexes but seriously, dude there is medication for severe psychological disorders such as large penis envy (large penises are overrated by the way) and can’t hold a job syndrome. You can also resort to cutting yourself, because that makes so much sense! Yeah, cutting yourself because your cat died will solve all the problems in the world! I guess it is cheaper than crack so give her! If you are really, indeed, a cutter and claim you don’t crave the attention and drama it may create, then stop showing people your scars! Unless you have a cool story behind each scar besides you going into the washroom and stealing your dad’s razor blades to “drain the sadness” then wear long sleeved shirts, please! My scars are cool because I lie about how I get them. Most of them are caused by touching a hot pan and the dullness behind my scars makes me want to cut myself.

Oh, and how can I leave out the chronic threaten to suicide dude? I mean, this is the ultimate crave for drama situation! Now, call me insensitive, but I’m just saying that if you choose to die by holding up traffic or causing a delay in transit and then you don’t end up dying people are going to wish that you actually died. I’m just saying what I hear. I don’t necessarily state these opinions; however, I’m not saying I disagree either. Just to save my own butt here, if I knew the story behind the person then perhaps, I wouldn’t be so quick to judge. That’s why I try my best to not know the details.

Well, then what have we learned besides me being a complete bitch? We, as human beings, like drama because it gives us a story to tell. We all want to be comforted, to feel appreciated and wanted. That’s complete bullsh*t. We’re pretty much f***ed up.

19 Children? That's vagina hole abuse!

2009-09-05T01:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I don't have cable so I'm extremely out of the loop when it comes to television shows and such. However, I'm blessed with the internet and random news pop ups. Just to let you know, I know absolutely nothing about the Dugger family I just know they're extremely religious (my guess is Mormon), and that the Mrs. Dugger has been stretched almost 19 times too much. Apparently she's expecting...again. I should probably google them and research their show and family background more , but I really don't want to and I don't care either. I'm sure by tomorrow I'll forget all about it.

So I clicked on the little video attached to the article and everything I assumed was correct. Yes, they're all home schooled, yes they're very in touch with Jesus (baby and grown up carpenter), yes they're ignorant and, lastly, yes they're all gay but won't admit it. I'm pretty sure the Dugger couple have only had sex 19 times too. Perhaps I've been over exposed to nasty porn sex, but it's difficult for me to imagine two very religious people getting it on and actually enjoying it. It would seem to me that they're performing a chore, and that the phrase "oh GOD" is never used....like, ever!

One of the sons is expecting a baby next month with his wife who described this situation as "neat". She used the word "neat" twice which usually means she's effing miserable. I associate "neat" with an 80's ditsy teenager, or someone who is on the verge of cutting themselves.

Mrs. Dugger (the mom) was quoted saying "children are like flowers, you can just never have too many!" Uhm, no children are not like flowers at all. And even if that was true have you been in a place with an abundance of flowers? It's tacky and there is such thing as too many flowers. Flowers don't cry, eat, poop, and suck up the earth's resources. If a child dies you can't just flip it upside down, dry it out and make potpourri out of it. I'm pretty sure you'd piss a baby off by leaving in a vase full of water too.

I'm sure they have some religious excuse not to use birth control or rubbers. So with that I will end off with two words: pull out. It's neat (not literally).

It should be ENEMIES with benefits!

2009-09-04T10:45:00.000-07:00

Now, why in the world would you have sex with a friend? What you should do is get naked with someone you hate, and make sure the hate is mutual. You really don't want to sleep with someone who is only pretending to hate you; that's just stupid. Ok, so unless you're looking for something meaningful and what not this isn't recommended. Like I always say, "dignity is overrated". I sometimes wish I could just put it aside same with the whole shame thing. Wouldn't it be nice to have the whole "I don't care" mentality all the time? Then that way you can have sexual relations with friends, family members, and animals!

Alright, so what was I saying about being stupid? Right, "friends with benefits" should be renamed "enemies with benefits." Having sex with a friend will always end up badly especially if one friend is hotter than the other one. Yes, you guessed it, usually the ugly one gets hurt; or the one who isn't a homo. If you think about it, a friend is someone you want to know for hopefully the rest of your life. If things are stuck up in places that feel good it opens the door that causes that thing I just googled, right, DOPAMINE. Basically it makes you addicted to almost everything like sex, food, and drugs. It can trick you into loving someone. It's tricked me a couple times but I would like to think I'm a smart. I'm definitely not a doctor but I can totally play one on TV. So, yeah, if anyone needs me to play a doctor on a TV show give me a shout. I already know words like urethra and LaBiA. NO?

So, perhaps you're a fan of the tradtional "friends with benefits". You know why? Because you're the one who doesn't get attached! You lack estrogen or have an influx of testosterone and I want to be you. I effing love you, man. Honestly, I would be fine with doing a friend if only I wasn't the one who gets attached. That way my feelings are spared and the other one is left crying longing for ME. However, the friendship will be forever ruined and then when you randomly bump into each other you're going to have one these awkward conversations:

Attached: Oh, hey! (crap)
Unattached: How's it going? (PSYCHO)
Attached: The usual (I love you)
Unattached: Cool (I saw your vagina)
Attached: Yeah, cool (he saw my vagina and didn't like it)
Unattached: So yeah, take care (vagina vagina vagina)
Attached: Vagina (I didn't meant to say that out loud)
Unattached: .... (why did she call me a vagina, I love that word. Man, I made a mistake)
Attached: *fart* (that noise will make everything better. I don't love him anymore!)

Attached *formally known as Unattached*: That was the coolest noise ever, it makes everything better! (I miss her vagina)
Unattached *formally known as Attached*: high five! Asparagus makes my pee smell funny. (It really does)

So the moral of the story is that LABIA is an awesome word and it should be used way more in our daily conversations.

Are YOU in denial?

2009-09-01T21:29:00.000-07:00

Fat gunt denial?

Do these phrases sound familiar to you?

"I'm not fat, I'm just a big person!"

"I've tried everything and I can't lose the weight!"

"If I lift up my gut I can still see my dinky and you said if I can see my member then I'm not fat!"

"I can't give up the bad carbs because I'm a vegetarian and bread tastes so good."

"I'm a vegetarian; therefore, I'm healthy"

"Beer covers up the voices in my head telling me I'm fat"

It's not a bad thing to be fat. It doesn't make you a bad person, but accept the fact that you are, indeed, overweight and you will die sooner than the rest of the population. It's not about being mean it's about you dying. I know inevitably we're all going to die but in the meantime, stay away from spandex or, uh, wear shirts that are long enough to cover your *area*. Think about your funeral expenses as well. A bigger coffin costs more money. Before you cut me realize that I was the fat chick in denial as well. Eating cream cheese out of the tub was one of my favourite past times next to eating the skin off of fried chicken. I do miss those days especially when it pissed my mom off. She was a real douche. She made me fat. See? I'm good at excuses too! I win! OH right, I'm supposed to give advice. Well, exercise, eat well, don't drink every effing day, and quick fixes like cocaine, smoking don't work and they just make you ugly; and once you gain the weight back you'll be fat AND ugly. The world is too superficial to not look passed it. Sorry? Oh and if you have TRIED everything, which I don't doubt, the key is to actually STICKING to whatever you're trying. That's the only catch that you haven't caught.

Relationship Denial? (For the ladies)

I know, I know you're single because you're a strong, independent woman and it intimidates men. My advice is *see above*. Okay, I'm kidding. I just want to inform all of you that I know so much because I suffer from all these denial complexes myself. So, with that said it's completely justified! Truth is, like EVERY book says now a days, it's you. If you read my last blog you'll know that boys and girls are only supposed to screw. I actually don't have any advice here because if I knew what to do I'd be screwing some dude right now.

Relationship Denial (For the boys)

It's true the reason why you're single is because girls are picky. Our standards are way higher not only for looks but for brains as well. You have a picky girl, a fat, stupid dude....no wonder we have so many single, bitter people around here. I guess it's not really a denial thing but more of an ignorance thing. If you fall into the geek category wax the unibrow, take more showers, and hit the gym! You guys have it easy because you already have the brain thing going. If you're a pretty boy keep doing what you're doing just remember that one day your penis won't work anymore and eventually you're going to have to settle for someone super duper cool like me but because you refused my love when I was bigger I'll reject you and then you'll cry and I'll point and laugh and kick your balls.

Internet dating shows ME the purpose of life. You can thank me later

2009-09-01T02:16:00.000-07:00

With the power of the Internet I am exposed to millions of people by staying home on my couch. It's absolutely effing amazing. By observing how people think by reading profiles, blogs, and looking at pictures I've come up with my very own "purpose of life" reasons and such and so and so forth blah blah blah. If you haven't signed up for Internet dating I suggest you do because it isn't 1999 anymore. It's 2009 and people are busy and it's good to know how to charm with a keyboard and I'm here to help you, sort of...or perhaps detour you away and make you wonder why you exist in this f**ked up world.

If you're unfamiliar of how this whole Internet dating thing works you sign up, post a picture (preferably), write something very generic about yourself and what you like, and wait. Actually, no you shouldn't wait. You should contact as many people as you can then wait especially if you're a dude. If you're a chick and you want people to message you just post a picture emphasizing cleavage. Boys, a picture with your shirt off, but follow it with you reading a book or with a kid or some type of furry animal. Every chick's profile is going to state something along the lines of not wanting a guy posing with his shirt off and that he should be smart nag nag nag. That chick is lying; same with the guy who says he's not interested in the slutty type and he's sick of the club scene. Internet dating is extremely superficial. You must catch attention with visuals then you make the person fall in love with you with your words and wisdom and all that other stuff no one really cares about at first but are just too proud to admit that. If people on dating profiles want to attract with words they're going about it the wrong way. Why do dudes have headlines like "WOOO, hockey season is starting!" Or they mention things like "playing golf" and "watching the ufc"? If I know guys, it's that they want and need their golf and UFC time alone or with other penises in the room. The majority of chicks don't care if you like that stuff and they only reason they state they're interested in sports is to trick you. Girls want boys to be there all the time they will say anything and DO anything in the beginning. The perfect relationship should consist of limited communication, sex, food, and throw in a hike or two. Who ever created life is some sick bastard don't you think? The only purpose for human beings is doing it and creating more human beings to continue this viscous cycle. The man in the sky is just laughing his ass off watching us bicker, procreate and therefore, speeding up the destruction of the planet. I like contributing by not recycling and leaving the taps on while I brush my teeth or while I'm taking a short nap.

Every girl wants the same guy and every guy wants the same girl.

Ideal boy:

Good looking, smart, funny, sensitive (but not too sensitive), rugged, yet not sloppy, considerate, likes to listen, honest (but is capable of lying during the right time for example, "you're the best chick ever and your vagina is my favourite), blah blah blah, gay but straight.

Ideal chick:

Blow jobs and keeping quiet or...

"I like a girl who is independent who likes to do fun things once in a while."

The only thing that boys and girls have in common is they like to be touched inappropriately. Which is ironic because the very *thing* that created life also created a poop load of diseases making the very thing that everyone enjoys extremely scary! Screw you, I say.

So in conclusion, (sorry English teachers who told me to never use that phrase) the purpose of life is to keep who ever created us entertained. We are the living television screen for the big thing in the sky. Hopefully it sees us in high def while getting a blow job.